Bad Advise Guy

Does my unibrow make me look like this?

2008-04-19T19:48:00.001-04:00

This is a toast to urine samples.....TO URINE SAMPLES!!

2008-04-18T19:15:00.000-04:00

Um, yea...my hands were dirty.....

2008-04-17T19:08:00.002-04:00

Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-16T22:15:00.002-04:00

You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Reader person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just felt like screaming at you!!!!!

Oh, and please keep reading! Without you I'd be nothin.

Electric or Gas?

2008-04-15T21:51:00.003-04:00

Yea, so despite my electrician saying I have to have a gas stove since my house is equipped for gas, I'm hooking up an electric one. I hate the burners on gas stoves, the electric ones let you know they are hot by turning red! So my electrician just went home all pissed off for some reason and all I know is that all it took was a couple of rolls of duct tape, 5 to be exact and I've got the gas hookups connected to my electric stove perfectly bitch. You can't even tell the difference but the gas really does stink and it's making me dizzy. I guess that's normal..oh snap!!!! Check it!! The coils are turning red too! And that dumbass electrician said it couldn't be done. I've got gas pumping away like a MoFo and the electric coils are firin up some juicy hot red metal red/orange/red metally kinda. Snap! I'm a regular blacksmith in the making. Watch out Excaliber!! I'm going to go make some Jiffy Pop and smoke a cigarette, then make sword out of the tin foil packaging!!

Hey Remember!!

2008-04-14T21:41:00.000-04:00

Hey remember when I installed that ceiling fan in the middle of my living room floor and it created some stupid ass vortex and dead people and wizards kept f-in showin up? Yea, well, that f-in fan keeps cutting up my shins up and my cats had like five serious head blows to the face as a result. I need the help of the BAGists, so please unite and give me some suggestions. I thought about taking a big cardboard box and putting it around the fan but that clearly defeats the whole purpose of having the fan there in the first place ya know?! I also thought about getting some chicken wire and putting that around the fan but the first headmaster in the Harry Potter movies and Truman Capote both told me that was kind of a gay idea. Jerry Garcia suggested I set up some hydroponics but I don't smoke so what's the point. Please BAGists, help a poor boy from Massachusetts figure out how to keep his awesome ceiling fan in the middle of his living room flor without gashin up his shins and killing his cat!

Ceiling Fan....or Vortex?

2008-04-13T21:25:00.000-04:00

Hey!!! You!!! You ever install a ceiling fan in the middle of your living room floor and then turn it on and try vacuuming at the same time? Well, I did and I think I created some kind of vortex because dead people and wizards keep appearing in my apartment and I didn't order any. Can someone please tell Jacques Cousteau that I don't want to visit the bottom of the sea any time soon and that if Sammy Davis Jr doesn't stop tap dancing in my bathroom that I'm going to kill him even though he's already dead. And why do these f-in wizards use so much toilet paper!!!! These guys are going through a roll + a day. Isn't that why they wear robes? Is that why their beards are white. I'm fed up with this sh*t. Stupid vortex.

Ace Slugger Got You Down?

2008-04-12T21:22:00.001-04:00

Hey! You! Your ace slugger got you down this baseball season? Well, kill yourself now and get it over with. There's only like 150 games left in the season and there is no way he can turn things around. Sorry. I gots ta be honesto.

It's Pollen Time!!

2008-04-11T21:15:00.001-04:00

Do what the pros do yo! It's pollen time my bitches and nothin cuts a line better than my debit card on the hood of my Volkswagen. Uh huh! Sniff up some yellow delicious lines of pollen and get yourself a Claritan D OTC hangover. Wha, what! Wasssup, I'm cool yo! Chicks dig a runny nose and itchy eyes...as long as the itch stay in the eyes you're good to go....wha, what? Itchy!

"Jen Taylor" Is in exile.

2008-04-10T08:46:00.000-04:00

If anyone wants to help, feel free to email her at: jentaylor3@sify.com

ATTN: DEAR,

I AM MISS JEN CHARLES TAYLOR 25YRS,THE DAUGHTER OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT,I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION THE SUM OF NINE MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS{$9,000,000.00},AND THE TOP LIST OF MY PRIORITY IS WHERE TO INVEST THIS MONEY OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY. "REASON BEST KNOWN TO ME".I URGENTLY NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN PROVIDING A RELIABLE GENUINE TRADE OR COMPANY WHERE I CAN INVEST THE FUND AND IMMEDIATELY MEET YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY FOR SETTLEMENT.PLEASE I WILL KINDLY WELCOME YOUR ADVICE TOO.
I AM EXPECTING YOUR URGENT MAIL RESPONSE. I NEED YOUR SUPPORT AND SERIOUSNESS.I AM PRESENTLY ON EXILE NOW WITH MY BROTHER CHOKRI TAYLOR.
YOUR URGENT RESPONSE IS EXPECTED. SEND YOUR CONFIDENTIAL PHONE NUMBER SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU WHEN NECCESSARY.
MISS JEN CHARLES TAYLOR

Uh?

2008-04-09T08:14:00.001-04:00

Go Tiger!!

2008-04-08T19:14:00.005-04:00

Tiger Woods asked me to design his new Buick for The Masters this week, so I took a 1974 Chrysler Town & Country and said how about this brother? So he said screw you to Buick, I'm a T&C guy now!! I hope he doesn't mind that I parked it on the fairway of Amen Corner.

Here's a close up at my mom's house.

Dentists?

2008-04-08T08:47:00.003-04:00

Um, why do they call dentists, dentists? To teeth get into car accidents and get dented. No! So call dentists what they are, jerks.

Is your cat fascninated by the shower?

2008-04-07T08:44:00.000-04:00

Let him jump in, hell never learn his lesson anyway. Trust me, he also likes open dishwashers.

Why Stop At Wood?

2008-04-06T08:40:00.001-04:00

Why stop at wood when you can go brick? Stay tuned for more awesome simulated side panels.

And Wolf Blitzer, try blowing this bad boy Chrysler Town & Country down ya hack!!!

Stabbing People Ain't Cheap

2008-04-05T19:43:00.004-04:00

So gang, I've got a problem. Times are tough and I don't know what a cheap alternative is to cleaning up after I stab someone. I'm stabbing about 10-15 random people a week and I'm going through about 40-70 rolls of paper towels per person. Now that's about a buck a roll, so you can see that things are adding up pretty quickly. I mean, I'm not going to stop stabbing people, nope, no way, gives me too much pleasure but regular cloth towels just don't do the same job and I have to wash them. The last time I washed 50 bloodied towels I got some pretty crazy looks at the laundromat and ended up stabbing some of the fellow laundromateers. Then I had to to shove them in the dumpster out back......which seriously BAGists, is so tacky. BAGists, if you have a better idea on an affordable method to clean up after a stabbing, then please let me know. I've tried those super soaking sponge type cloths but you need a lot of them and they ain't cheap either. Clearly I'm facing an issue where I need Billy Mayes to step in but I'm hoping my readers will have the solution first. Please help in these tough times.

Wasabi?

2008-04-04T15:53:00.000-04:00

You ever put Wasabi powder in your roommates contact lenses solution? Yea? Well me too. And it hurts like an f-in beeeeeeyatch. Cause he did it to me first. So I took the liberty of dosing everything he owns in Wasabi powder. It's like a hidden punch in the face and you never know when it's gonna hit you. I got his underwear drawer, deodorant, shit, I even put it on his steering wheel and gas cap. I think I'll hit the toilet paper in his bathroom next. Feel the burn Jeremy, feel the burn.

Some Kind Of Wonderful

2008-04-03T18:56:00.002-04:00

Rock, Paper, Gang Signs....

2008-04-02T19:50:00.003-04:00

If you look close, you can see the herpes. Wait, that's not herpes, I think she's been in a fight recently. ..well...maybe it's both.

Post below are inspired by the wisdom K-Dub

2008-04-01T18:59:00.001-04:00

Check out this awesome bathroom photo of us!

2008-04-01T18:57:00.003-04:00

This girl here with her back to us is doing blow.

Yep, they're real.

2008-03-31T18:55:00.000-04:00

That's right gang, you can all party it up while I do your taxes....

2008-03-30T18:51:00.001-04:00

Please pay me in hair gel.

I can't tell??

2008-03-29T18:50:00.000-04:00

Is she wearing a g-string? Or nothin?

There's no panty line for a reason....

2008-03-28T18:48:00.000-04:00

Death,,,

2008-03-27T18:41:00.000-04:00

I think she's 18??

2008-03-26T18:28:00.000-04:00

Does our hair make us it look lke we're falling?

2008-03-25T18:26:00.000-04:00

Do my guns make me look fat?

2008-03-24T16:40:00.000-04:00

Anyone want to play naked Guitar Hero?

Outernet???!

2008-03-23T15:23:00.002-04:00

Are you mad because there's no Outernet? Me too! Damn the Internet, damn it to hell.

Do Objects?

2008-03-22T15:20:00.001-04:00

Do objects that are closer than they appear piss you off? Me too bitch. Smack that sh*t up. Closer than they appear, who gives them the right.....ass.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!!!!!

2008-03-21T15:18:00.001-04:00

Is Billy Mayes your favorite actor too?!!!! Oscar, Oscar Oscar. Hi, I'm Billy Mayes' fan club president, and I'm voting for Billy Mayes.

Do you hop for IHOP?

2008-03-20T15:16:00.001-04:00

Wasssup beeyatches? A friend once asked me, BAG, is the International House Of Pancakes made out of real pancakes? I said yes friend. Take a bite and let me know how it tastes.

Waffle House!!!!!

2008-03-19T08:21:00.000-04:00

Do you get sad and/or angry every time you see a Waffle House, knowing that building itself is not made out of real waffles? Me too, happens all the time. Just one day I'd love to be able to walk into a Waffle House and when the waitress comes over to take my order I can say, no thanks, I'm just gonna take a couple bites from the wall over there and I'll be cool. Can I get a cup of coffee though? And she'll say, good choice. The wall waffles are the best and the freshest because we replace them everyday. However, If you like fat ass, then I suggest a couple bites from the booths.

Poetic License Suspended??

2008-03-18T20:30:00.000-04:00

Black lights engaged!!! Now what the hell was I talking about? Oh yea, you ever get caught eating dirt? Me too happens all the time.

Poetic License Revoked?

2008-03-17T19:58:00.005-04:00

You ever have your poetic license revoked or suspended? Me too, it happens all the time. But I've got a guy on the inside that hooks me up. His name is Carrot Top. Great thing about a poetic license is that you don't need a photo ID..in fact, no one really issues them. Which is why it's so confusing to me that I get mine suspended so often. If no one is issuing them, then who is suspending and revoking? That's what we will explore over the next couple days. Well, we will if I stay off my meds. So, you are all in luck. The Lithium is hiding in room 208 down the hall. Hopefully the orderlies won't find it. I've got my straight jacket firmly pressed and I've convinced my doctor to replace all the lights in my room with black lights. Enjoy mates! And stay tuned.

Does this penis costume make me look fat?

2008-03-16T12:14:00.003-04:00

Please excuse my friend's gang signs. He's an idiot.

Do you burn microwave popcorn just because you love the smell?

2008-03-15T14:00:00.013-04:00

Do you burn microwave popcorn just because you love the smell?

Me too! I burn it all the time. I'm burning it right now and man it's smells f-in great!! My cat's hair permanently smellz like burnt popcorn. Yummy. In fact, my most fav time to burninate the corn is around 2:08 PM every day at the office. Mmmm..burninated corn..The best way to burninate popcorn is to first, take the batteries out of all the smoke detectors in the house. If you're burninating at the office and there are sensors about, cover them with plastic ziploc bags and/or saran wrap. Make sure you use lots of tape! I prefer duct. Coincidence?!! Then, place microwave popcorn bag in microwave and set on high for 58 minutes and wait for burning. If you are using Jiffy Pop, just let it sit on the stove for like an hour. If you're a dick and you're making it the old fashioned way in a pot with oil, don't use oil, use two sticks of butter or jug of Crisco, cover and walk away..again for about an hour, two if you've got the time. If you have one of those hot air popcorn making machines that sound like a jet engine, kill yourself now, that's no way to burn popcorn you A-hole. In fact, take it into the bathroom, fill the tub up with water, sit in tub and throw the piece of sh*t in the tub with you and make sure it's plugged in. I hope this info serves you well. Enjoy mates!!

Picture:

The picture here off to the left is an example of some chump's poor ass excuse for burnt popcorn. This picture clearly shows what not to do. If you consider this burnt popcorn, I, and the world will shun you. Nobody went blind, no one was gasping for clean air, no one went home smelling like BP and the place is still standing. Feel free to send me pics of your own BPE...The Burnt Popcorn Experience is your playground BAGists.

Picture:

And here, off to the right....this is what you should look like after you properly burned popcorn ya jerk!!

Cat Puke?

2008-03-14T16:06:00.004-04:00

Hey gang! You ever hear your cat pukin and you get up to see what the dealio is and you don't see the actual puke but you know your cat just puked? Um, do you ever pick up a pair of sweat pants from the bedroom floor and say, toss it at your cat because you know he just puked...kinda as punishment...and well, to your surprise, you grab the sweat pants and it just so happens that your cat puked all in the sweat pants where you couldn't see it and when you grabbed and tossed them the cat puke just flew and sprayed all over the carpet as you watched the sweat pants hit the floor and your cat just kicked his or her heels and ran away. So, cat puke now littered the floor, where it was once confined to a pair of sweat pants......That ever happen to you? Yea, kinda random, I can't imagine that ever happening to anyone. Nope. Not even me. My suggestion to you if it did would be to leave the cat puke right where it is, maybe the cat will eat it when it dries and that's recycling. BAG always goes green when he can.

Glad to know that whoever owns those sweat pants found the puke when they did and didn't get a surprise the next time they decided to wear them.

Regrets???!

2008-03-13T12:35:00.004-04:00

Hey, you ever regret a certain type of hair style you used to sport? No? Me neither.

Chopped!

2008-03-12T19:40:00.007-04:00

Hey, you ever chop someone's knee caps off and ship them back to the jerk UPS overnight? Yea me too, happens all the time. Just make sure they're home to sign for them.

Ask not what your knee caps can do for your, ask what you can do for your knee caps.

Prostitution is illegal? Someone should have told me.

2008-03-11T18:38:00.002-04:00

You ever find yourself in a federal investigation for being involved in a prostitution ring? Yea me too. Happens all the time.

You ever find yourself in your car at the bottom of a lake, river or ocean?

2008-03-10T12:31:00.001-04:00

Me too! Happens to me all the time. First thing first, don't panic. Help is on the way. Sit back and relax, enjoy the scenery. Make sure to pop your ears frequently as you sink , you don't want your ear drums to burst and by all means, you don't want to get the bends. How embarrassing would that be?

Has your cat ever sneezed in your face?

2008-03-09T13:08:00.006-04:00

If you're lucky more than once. My cat sneezes in my face all the time and it's awesome. In fact, the record is 4 times in one sitting. After the first sneeze, I said to myself, "BAG, should I move my face?" And I replied, "no BAG, you don't need to move your face, what are the chances he'll sneeze again?" Sure enough, bam! He sneezed again. So I said to myself, "BAG, should I move my face?" And I replied, "no BAG, you don't need to move your face, what are the chances he'll sneeze again?" Sure enough, bam! He sneezed again. So I said to myself, "BAG, should I move my face?" And I replied, "no BAG, you don't need to move your face, what are the chances he'll sneeze again?" Sure enough, bam! He sneezed again.After the fourth sneeze, I said to myself, "BAG, should I move my face?" And I replied, "no BAG, you don't need to move your face, what are the chances he'll sneeze again?" But this time I was right. He jumped off the bed and left the room.

Life Saving Tornado Hat

2008-03-08T11:31:00.005-05:00

Find yourself in a Tornado lately and not sure what to do? Well here's the product for you. The Life Saving Tornado Hat. Make sure you have enough for the whole family. Keep a set in the car as well. Just put on your LSTH when you find yourself in a Tornado and the negative pressure that occurs when the propeller starts to spin will destroy the Tornado. Pam from Idaho said this about her LSTH, "I put on my LSTH and I couldn't believe how fast the Tornado was destroyed. I don't want to call myself a hero, but I sure did save more than one life that day." Amanda from Dallas said, "I put the LSTH's on the kids and sent them running directly into the Tornado. 10 seconds later we were all safe as can be. I love my LSTH." Dorothy from Kansas said this, "Once the house started spinning and flying up in the air I knew I had I put on my LSTH and the pet sized one on my dog Toto. Tornado busted! There's no place like home, that's what I always say." And Alan G. from Detroit had this to say, "I pulled over under a bridge, got out of my car, grabbed my LSTH and ran directly into the Tornado. The f-in Tornado just blew up and I saved the entire city of Detroit that day." And we're all glad he did. The LSTH is approved by the Food and Drug Administration and 4 out of 5 dentists agree, that the Life Saving Tornado Hat does prevent cavities. Purchase your Life Saving Tornado Hat today.

2008-03-07T14:06:00.003-05:00

Chicken Suit Man Wanted

Reply to: job-596886424@BAGslist.org

Date: 2008-03-05, 8:08PM EST

Wanted 5 mornings a week a person that can stand up with a banner in a chicken suit.

please call 555- CHIK-MAN

Location: Atlanta
Compensation: $6
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Dating Service Part The End

2008-03-06T18:59:00.005-05:00

Yea, so the sun is coming up and I walked most of the night. But guess what happened? A big van pulled up and gave me a ride. Now me and this girl Angela are dating. Screw dating services when chicks riding in a van pick you up on the side of the highway in the middle of the night. Here's a picture. See how happy we are?!!

Dating Services........Part Eight

2008-03-05T19:22:00.004-05:00

Suddenly Marty came driving up from out of nowhere. I started to call him but that girl flipped me off and jumped in his car and they drove away. Marty was also flipping me off too and then he threw an envelope out of the window as I ran after them. I wonder who that girl was? And what's in the envelope? The envelope had my name on it, so I opened it. In it was my profile with certain things highlighted...handcuffs, long drives, Culture Club, girl behind a tree etc etc. It all made sense now. Marty was giving me a full refund because he couldn't find me a match. Cripes, my profile was too picky I guess, maybe I need to be more open about things in the future. Also enclosed was my $4,500 check written out to ReMatch.com with refund written in red on it. He was refunding my money. That sure was nice of him..and honest since he couldn't find me a match. Not all places will do that. But who the hell was that girl? And why didn't Danielle show up.?I went back to the tree one last time but I got nothing. It was dark and starting to get cold. I guess I should start walking. It's 7:30PM now and this whole escapade started around 1:30-ish so I think I've got a long walk. Good thing today is Saturday.

Dating Services.......Part Seven

2008-03-04T21:01:00.000-05:00

"BAG!!! You F-in idiot. I'm your date. I'm the girl behind the F-in tree you're supposed to find!! Marty was just trying to use "your" answers in "your" profile to create the perfect date. Heck, you said you loved to be blindfolded in a car and you handcuffed yourself on a regular basis. You even said your perfect date was to be ditched by a new found friend who liked to listen and sing along to Culture Club and hated Tommy Two Tones and would prefer to listen to Cult Club over the Thomson Twins on a road trip, only to be stranded on a dirt road alone out in the woods and stumble upon some hot chick behind a big tree. Is this not registering at all?"

"Um, yea, you're not at the right tree. I'm gonna have to go. I'm walking home."

"BAG, you stupid F! I'm calling Marty to pick me up.!!"

"Wait, who are you and how do you know Marty?"

"F - U BAG!! F - U"

Stay tuned for part 8.....

Dating Services......Part Six

2008-03-03T20:40:00.000-05:00

"Psssst! Pssssst! BAG!!! Psst! Over here. Wrong tree!"
"WTF! Who the hell is out here in the middle of nowhere and knows my name?!! Who's there?" I whispered. "Who's there?"
"It's me Danielle, you're at the wrong tree."
"Wrong tree? Marty said this tree, so it can't be the wrong tree?"
"I'm over here BAG, you're at the wrong tree!!!"
"No, Marty said this tree, I ain't moving from this tree until Danielle shows up."
"BAG! I'm Danielle and I'm telling you, you're at the wrong tree.!!"
"Prove it. How am I supposed to believe you are Danielle?"
"Who else would be out in the middle of nowhere standing behind a big tree waiting for a guy named BAG...who?!"

Stay tuned for part Seven....................And I assume at this point, none of you thought this could even make a part seven...but I did it, so enjoy ya jerks.

Dating Services.....Part Five

2008-03-02T20:00:00.001-05:00

Cripes! Where the hell is Danielle?! I was starting to think this wasn't a legitimate dating service. I played all the scenarios that just happened over the past several hours in my head and I couldn't think of anything out of the ordinary. It all seemed to make sense. I mean you have to be safe and take extra precautions these days because you don't want some crazy murderer dating in your dating service. So blindfolds and handcuffing I assume are standard practices. But why would Marty drive away in such haste without saying anything to me? I mean, we got along great and sang Culture Club for 3 hours straight, so it's not like he has some vendetta against me..or does he? Heck, he bought me Fanta and Twizzlers, two of my favorite things.....but wait!!!! How did he know I loved Fanta and Twizzlers? How did he know that I liked to bite both ends off the Twizzler to make a straw to drink my lemon-lime Fanta? I assumed everyone did that, but now that I'm stranded on a dirt road in the middle of the woods, I'm thinking something sinister is a foot. How did he know my very favorite things? He must have read my profile!!! That jerk. Isn't that private? In my profile I did say I hated the song Jenny (867-5309) and I did say that if I had to choose between listening to Culture Club or or The Thompson Twins on a road trip that I'd choose Culture Club....and I did say I loved long romantic drives that might end up in the mountains at a cabin in the woods on a dirt road....yea, I did say all those things. But why would he ditch me?

Stay tuned for Part Six!!!!!

Dating Services....Part Four

2008-03-01T19:55:00.001-05:00

WTF!!! That F-in bastard just drove off!!! Well, maybe Danielle knows where he's going, so I went back to the big tree and continued to call her name. Danielle! Danielle! Danielle! Where are you?!! Marty said you were behind this tree but I don't see you and he just drove away! It must have been some sort of emergency!! Danielle!! Danielle!! Where are you Danielle!!!!!!!!!!

Stay tuned for Part Five.....

Dating Services...Part Three

2008-02-29T19:32:00.004-05:00

So at this point, just Marty was in the car and we drove more and more and more until we turned onto a dirt road. The whole time Marty made me listen to Culture Club. He said the only other cd he had was Tommie Two Tones and the cd is sratched and only plays Jenny (867-5309) on repeat..I hate that song, so Boy George it is. Marty and I were having a great time now. We knew most of the words to all of the songs and he can really sing. Finally we stopped and Marty took my blindfold off and we both got out of the car.....Oh yea, I forgot to mention I was handcuffed the whole time too. Duh. He took those off as well. He said my date was hiding behind a big tree on the side of the road and told me to go over to a specific tree and call out her name. Her name was Danielle. So I walked over to the tree and yelled Danielle. I had to yell a couple of times before.....

Stat Tuned for Part Four...

Dating Services..Part Two

2008-02-28T19:07:00.005-05:00

....Yea so, we just stopped to get gas. They bought be a lemon-lime Fanta and some Twizzlers and now we're back on the road. I kept asking where we're going but none of them seemed to speak English like the guys from the van did. I wonder if all dating services are like this one? I imagine so, they do have to cover all the costs and since we've been driving for well over an hour now, the gas money alone will begin to add up. The road started to get pretty curvy, winding all around so I knew we were off the highway. Suddenly we stopped and it seemed like they all got out of the car. I heard them talking but couldn't hear what they were saying. Sounded like someone said do we have to? And then one of the dudes got back into the car and introduced himself as Mr. Marty Mitchel Matchman himself, the owner of the service. "Sweet!" I said. "When do I get to meet my date?" He said, "did you like the Twizzlers?" I said, "yea, I love Twizzlers, great thinking, biting off both ends for me to use as a straw to drink the Fanta." And then he said, "yea, I'm real sorry about the Fanta, that's all they had there."

Stay tuned for part 3.....

Dating Services.Part One

2008-02-27T20:04:00.005-05:00

Hey gang, you ever shell out a boat load of cash on a dating service? You did? Me too!! I haven't met anyone yet but I know those guys sure are working for me. I saw the poster, actually it was a bright pink Xeroxed piece of paper with those little tabs cut out on the bottom strategically placed on a telephone pole on the corner of 285 and Roswell Rd. It looked legit so I immediately got on my cell and signed up. I would have grabbed a little tabby thing with the number on it but one, I couldn't wait and two, I was in traffic. All they needed was my social security number and a few other simple questions, like my bank account number, checking account number, routing number, blood type and if I was an organ donor. Which of course I am. So I met them at the Just Brakes at North Druid Hills and I85. We left my car there and I got into their 1985 Chevy Astro van and we drove to the farmer's market at Clairmont and Buford Hwy. We then left their van there and got into a 1993 green Honda Civic with tinted windows and a white rear bumper. At this point I was blindfolded and we drove for what seemed like about a 1/2 an hour....

Stay tuned for what happens next in part two.

Free Refills???

2008-02-26T20:59:00.004-05:00

It's commonly known among all eating establishments that free refills are just that, FREE. As long as you save that cup you can keep going back and back and back,as many times as you want and all for free. It's awesome. You don't even have to buy anything. Thirsty at 3pm..do you have your lunch cup from two weeks ago Thursday? 1045a got you screaming for a Sprite, Orange Fanta, Caffeine Free Diet Coke mix? Then you're in. Fill up and chug up. Cup starting to get a little ripe? Is the mold buildup making you sick? Does it not hold any liquid anymore and the duct tape just ain't working? Has the entire inside turned from a glossy waxed white to a deep caramel death brown? Do you puke every time you pick the cup up? Has HAZMAT been called to your house or apartment several times to dispose of your cup? Then ask for a new cup silly...they'll gladly hand you a new one. See a sign posted that says refills are for one time paying customers only, ignore it, or better yet rip it down. They wouldn't be called refills if they weren't refillable.

Do you wear makeup by the pound?

2008-02-25T18:46:00.004-05:00

Great! Smart move Maybelline. If you're out and about and you've got nothing to do, drop by the mall and get a makeover during your lunch break. Guys, this is cool for you too. Don't be bashful. A made over man is a smart man. Nothing says testosterone like some blush and foundation. Besides, the hot makeup lady will totally dig you and say you look awesome. Don't forget to get her digits Francois. When the lights go out, you want your face to light up the room, that's what I always say.

Spray Tan is the only Tan.

2008-02-24T20:25:00.002-05:00

When it comes to safe and healthy tanning I always go spray. And not that stuff you get a the store, the good stuff that comes in large industrial barrels and gets sprayed on like you're in a car wash. Now that's tanning.

That's me on the far left. My bros are gonna get their tans tomorrow at Tansurrections on Staten Island. Slackers!

There we go! See we're already getting the chicks.

You ever have your air bag go off for no reason?

2008-02-23T18:58:00.001-05:00

Yea, me too. What the hell? I mean I was justing sitting at a light and tapped the dude in front of me and the next thing I know I'm seeing stars and taking a bite out of the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man and it ain't sweet. Take it from me Johnson, remove that thing ASAP cause it ain't worth the $1500 bucks it costs to shove it back into the steering wheel. Why does it cost that much? It's just a bag. Now that's one bag, BAG don't approve of. This has got me so mad that I am so going to beat the crap out of some Peeps come Easter.

Um..and on a side note. You can buy sugar free Marshmallows on Ebay from the UK. Make sure you pick some up. The shipping costs alone make it worth it.

Do dinosaurs make you mad because you can't hunt them?

2008-02-22T19:19:00.006-05:00

Yea, me too. Pisses me off everyday knowing I can't take down a brontosaurus or triceratops with my semi-automatic. And Jurassic Park 1, 2 and 3, what a tease? Their making 4 too, so that's just another movie I'll have to waste 10 bucks on. Cripes, the movie popcorn is just so salty! I mean how come I can't make a velociraptor with some frog DNA,some tomato juice and in a can of shaving cream? Why, why, why?!!! So, I'm left to setting up some toy dinosaurs on the kitchen table and taking them down with my Super Soaker AK47 CenterFire.

I can't wait to go see 10,000 B.C. in theaters this March. "A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe."

And to clarify, I have no beef with Mammoths, it's the dinosaurs that make me angry.

www.Pukeplanet.com

2008-02-21T20:47:00.001-05:00

www.pukeplanet.com. Make sure you check it out.

Regular Posts To Returm 2/21/08, Hold My Hair Back Please!!

2008-02-20T19:20:00.011-05:00

Sorry, I've been illin...scheduled to return to normal postitronics 2/21/08. I was going to post a picture but after seeing what was available I realized I couldn't do that to BAG subscribers. Feel free to go to pukeplanet.com though if you want to see what I was up against. I came to the realization that puking wasn't really all that pretty. Who knew?!!

But, I can draw puking.. and that's kinda tame. Hee hee my beeyatches!

Do your clothes make you look fat?

2008-02-19T19:49:00.000-05:00

Sweet! Keep wearing them.

You ever write your name in cement?

2008-02-18T20:10:00.003-05:00

Cool, I'm glad you did but I bet you forgot your social security number dumba$$. See post "Pin Numbers" for more information.

You may also want to stick your face in the wet cement too. It'll make you famous.

Does my pink tuxedo make me look fat?

2008-02-17T20:42:00.000-05:00

Do you speak English?

2008-02-16T20:30:00.000-05:00

No? Then have I got the job for you. 1-800 Customer Service Representive. Nothing gets you ready for a job in this fast growing field than an hard accent to follow and zero knowledge of the English language. I mean you could get by, by speaking some English, but you sure don't want to be understood, so when the customer says what? They mean "what" and have no idea what you're saying. Awesome, that's one of the 1o rules of the trade. You also want to be very skilled repeating what you just said when they say "what" so that they will never be able to understand you. You may want to even talk louder when they say they can't understand what you're saying for the 10th time because everyone comprehends better the louder one speaks. Next time when they're asked to press 1 for English, they just may reconsider.

Here's the 10 rules:

Rule #1. Don't speak English.
Rule #2. If you do speak English, suck at it.
Rule #3. Repeat yourself frequently when the customer can't understand the words you are spillin.
Rule #4. Talk louder as you repeat yourself.
Rule #5. In perfect English, tell the customer you are just trying to help and please calm down while you try and assist them.
Rule #6. Change your name from Habib Samir to Dale.
Rule #7. When they ask for your supervisor, put them on hold and when you come back just change your voice.
Rule #8. If they get so unruly suggest that they call the complaint line but give them the same number that they just called and when they call back answer. If they ask if this is the same Dale that they just talked to say yes.
Rule#9. When the customer starts screaming, put them on speaker so everyone around you can hear and the customer can hear everyone around you laughing.
Rule #10. When the conversation comes to and end and the customer gives up, in perfect English say, "thank you for choosing so and so company, I hope I have assisted you today with your problem and have a wonderful day."

So you forgot Valentine's Day?

2008-02-15T20:00:00.001-05:00

First thing first Romeo, pretend today is. Shouldn't everyday be Valentine's Day anyway? So get the flowers, make a reservation at her favorite restaurant and pick up the jewelry at Shane Co. She knows you best, so she might just think you're dumb enough to actually think today is Valentine's Day. I mean, it's not like it's all over the TV and Radio so it's easy to miss it. She'll be so impressed that you made all these plans and crap that she'll totally forget all the roses that were delivered to every female at her office, while she sat there roseless, with everyone asking where hers were and if she thought you were going to Jared..why the hell would you go see that guy on the Subway commercials that used to be fat? Anyway, what's he going to do for you, sell you a tuna sub? Heck, I don't even think he works there. Oh yea, she will so forget all those women with roses and balloons at work once she sees you in your heart boxer briefs that you got on sale at Target for 1/2 off..Kaaching! Or Shwing!! See brainiac, you were the smartest of all of us for forgetting. You got the boxers 1/2 off, the restaurant was so not booked and getting a table was a breeze and you aren't forced one menu and automatically charged 75 bucks a head just for showing up. The flowers were all one day old and 75% off and Shane Co. is your friend in the diamond business and always gives you the best prices so you my friend, are a genius. Make sure you forget her birthday too. She'll be so surprised when you show up a week later with a puppy.

Can't Pay Your Mortage? Part 2

2008-02-14T21:15:00.001-05:00

Before you burn your house down cuz you can't pay your mortgage make sure you go to your local hardware store and ask them what the fastest way to burn a house down is..and make sure you pay for all your materials with a credit card.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Can't Pay Your Mortage Part 1

2008-02-13T20:14:00.003-05:00

Can't pay your mortgage? Burn the house down and collect the insurance money dumba$$.

Speedo or Speedon't?

2008-02-12T21:07:00.001-05:00

Are you getting ready for your winter cruise? Are you 50, 60, 70, 100 lbs overweight? Well, do what I do and bust out the Speedo. Nothin says you're on vacation like snug balls and hairy exposed crack.

.....And make sure you all go out and see Step Up 2, The Streets. Opens Valentine's Day this Thursday!!! Directed by Jon Chu , starring Briana Evigan and Robert Hoffman.

" Romantic sparks occur between two dance students from different backgrounds at the Maryland School of the Arts."

Hmm, sounds like they drive the all new WRX STI Subaru that rivals the Ford Shelby at 305 HP.

Much Ado About Huffing

2008-02-11T19:58:00.000-05:00

When you pump gas, do you find that your mouth constantly gets in the way? Do you find yourself yearning for the taste of shoe polish and paint thinner? Do you put White Out on your pepperoni pizza from Dominos and Pizza Hut but put wood polish on your sausage and onion from Papa John’s? Do household cleaners like Pine Sol and Spic n’Span call to you in the mid of night? Is your dog named Polyurethane and your cat Mr. Clean? Is your favorite salad dressing ingredient tire cleaner? Do you hang out at the emissions place during your lunch hour, after work, on the weekends and every Friday night? Does WD-40 make you horny? When Rosie was talking about the quicker picker upper, she wasn’t referring to paper towels now was she? Do you have silver and gold spray paint cans lying around but nothing silver and gold to spray paint? Do you constantly wreak of nail polish remover? When someone offers you a beer do you immediately poor it out and fill the can and/or bottle with an industrial strength glue product? And does Elmer’s glue just make you mad? If so, then you’re a Huffer, which is a great profession in my book. The best part about huffing is that you can use many of the same products to make speed. Huffing is a cheaper alternative to coke and heroine and much of what you huff is recyclable if you huff it right. Well ventilated areas are for horses and other wild beasts you can whisper to, but not for Huffers. Huffers don’t play that. Give me an 8 x 10 or smaller with no windows any day of the week. I suggest you build huff tents or huff lodges. That way you can invite friends and charge admission. They will call you The Great Hufferpotomus, Chief Huffs Alot, Huff Daddy or The Huffness Monster and they will worship you all your Huffiness to the max.

I don't usually do not do this, but this post is dedicated to a Red Headed Step Child friend of mine, who once huffed NyQuil in it's purest form during his lunch hour and lived to tell us about it. God bless RHSC, oh great huffer of NyQuil. Stay tuned for more adventures of RHSC when we discuss how dog walking and head wounds can go hand in hand.

Taunting Tigers????????..?...!!!.......???

2008-02-10T18:22:00.000-05:00

Tigers don't kill people, people kill people....unless you're taunting the tiger, then they might kill you. I'm really uncertain about the taunting because I really recommend it whenever you have the chance, but death is also a negative outcome and BAG doesn't approve of death. So taunt at your own discretion and if you don't mind dying then I clearly recommend that you taunt large prey and game animals at every chance you get. A favorite taunt of mine is buffalo, elk and deer. Those are somewhat common and easily taunt-worthy.

Road Rage Part 18: The Final Road Rage Post, The Hitchhiker Part B

2008-02-09T16:02:00.000-05:00

So, you've done the smart thing and you've picked up the hitchhiker. Make sure you take them to where ever they want to go, even if it means cross country. That 20+ hour drive will make a friend for life. Who cares that he's been holding you at gunpoint the whole time and you've had to soil yourself because he won't let you exit the car...and who cares if he's emptied your bank account and has all your credit cards, you did the right thing by picking him up and that my friend is worth it. A hitchhiker friend is a friend indeed.

Road Rage Part 17: The Hitchhiker Part A

2008-02-08T20:48:00.000-05:00

Pick that bastard up. Someone has to, might as well be you.

Road Rage Part 16: The Crosswalk

2008-02-07T19:54:00.000-05:00

Are you driving along minding your own business and you come up to a crosswalk and some jacka$$ is walkin across the street and you have to slow down or even stop? Well, lay on the freakin horn, roll window down, extend middle finger and scream at them to get out of the way. That'll be the last time that joker tries to use a crosswalk to cross the street. Jerk, makes me mad just thinking about it.

Road Rage PArt 15: On Coming Traffic

2008-02-06T18:39:00.000-05:00

Picture this, you ever find yourself at a stop light, say in the left hand turning lane, with like 5 or 6 cars ahead of you...and let's just say this lady decides to pass traffic that is stopped facing the other way at another left hand turn and she's attempting to pass way on the far left lane, which would be the opposite traffic's right lane and the light you're waiting for turns green and now she's backing up facing traffic the wrong way and trying to cut in front of you while on coming traffic starts barreling towards her and you don't let her in because, well you're driving in the proper lane, going the proper way and the light is green dumba$$...the result could mean that the moron bitch of a driver might just go ballistic. Mission accomplished.

Road Rage Part 14: What to do you when get pulled over.

2008-02-05T19:36:00.000-05:00

There are several schools of thought about what to do when you get pulled over. Here's a couple of examples that I follow to the T all the time.
1. The DUI or the DWI.
If you get pulled over and you're under the influence your first mistake was that you pulled over. When the police officer approaches your car, try to hide the empty beer cans or bottles under your seat and the passengers seat. Make sure you really push them under there. If the police officer sees you moving about, he'll only assume you are looking for your license and registration. When you roll down your window and he asks for your license and registration, burp in his face and ask if he wants a beer.
2. Caught Speeding?
Same here, if you pulled over, big mistake, always try and outrun the police first. If you have a crappy car and can't outrun the police then use your blinkers to your advantage. Signal right, but actually go left for example. This is most useful if you are on the interstate and you fake getting off at an exit. They fall for that trick every time and you'll be so free so fast they won't know what hit them. More than one cop chasing? Then repeat process as many times as it takes. If you do eventually pull over you're an idiot but at least make sure you get out of your car immediately and approach the police rapidly.
The two techniques are proven to be 100% effective.

Road Rage Part 13: Swerving

2008-02-04T18:28:00.000-05:00

Have your passengers started to get car sick because you swerve too much after a hard day of drinking at the beach? Salisbury rules! Well, if they do, make sure they have something to puke in. A long time ago I once didn't believe that a wise passenger of mine was about to hurl...until I heard it. Fortunately she made excellent use of the cooler that was in the back seat. She puked all over a couple of brews but she didn't puke in the car. So 14-15 years later, she still holds dear to my heart for not puking all over the back of my car. By puking in the cooler, she also kept the car free of puke smell. God bless.

Road Rage Part 12: Right on Red

2008-02-03T13:06:00.000-05:00

If the person in front of you has a clear shot to make a right on red but neglects to do so, do what I do and get out of your car, approach the vehicle and slam your fists on the hood screaming at them to go. If that doesn't work, then just ram them with your car. They'll get the message eventually.

Road Rage Part 11: Text Messaging While Driving, Write on Read

2008-02-02T18:03:00.000-05:00

ABC DEF GHI JKL MNO PQRS TUV WXYZ...
One of the most important forms of communication these days is text messaging, so don't let driving get in the way of reading or writing a text. If you feel the need, you may want to turn your hazards on and make sure your seat is up high and close enough so you can drive with your knees. You may also want to take advantage of that red light and perform what is better know as a write on read, so get that text sent before the light turns green. At a yield sign? Yield signs also allow for an excellent chance to text, just treat it as a stop light or stop sign. Which leads me to stop signs. Texting at a stop sign is awesome. You can stay there as long as you like and know one will care because the sign says stop. Whatever you do, don't let driving get in your way. These tips can also be applied to using your Blackberry while driving.

Road Rafe Part 10: The Drag Race,

2008-02-01T19:17:00.000-05:00

If someone challenges you......then drag race!

Road Rage Part 9: I got there first!!!!

2008-01-31T18:31:00.000-05:00

Yea, you got there first! And they saw you too but they still pulled right into your parking space. WTF! I mean you had your signal on and everything and the bastard flew in there right in front of you with that dopey look on their face like you snooze you lose. BAG don't lose I can assure you that. I can refer you to Road Rage Part 3: Keying Cars now, or you can do what BAG would do. Since the jerko has pulled into your parking space, it is extremely important that you find a space and fast. Statistics show that the longer it takes to re-find a spot, the less effective your rage will be. You cannot lose the heat of the moment. So hurry up, you want to be able to follow this person closely into the store. If it's not the store you intended to go in, then proceed anyway. Mission parking spot vendetta is in effect. Walk about 10-15 feet behind the person. Talk loudly about what just happened, but don't yell. Save the yelling for inside the store. The person will clearly know you're behind them and they'll begin to sweat and walk a little faster. They're starting to realize that the dick move they just pulled may be backfiring. At this point I'm sure you have onlookers, onlookers who understand and feel your pain. Walk faster as if you are going to pass them and as they go for a cart, swoop in like a hawk and grab the cart they were going to use. Proceed slowly into the store without saying a word. 70% of the people will continue into the store assuming that your wrath is over with some silly shopping cart maneuver. That wasn't silly, what a dope? You are by no means done with them. This is clear and present road rage we're dealing with. Nothing can stop you.
Keep an eye on them and follow from a distance. While you're following, put some items in your cart so it looks like you're shopping. If you're in the health & beauty section grab a bunch of condoms and Preparation H and other embarrassing purchases but keep them relatively small. You're going to need them later. Every so often pass by the person on the same isle but ignore them. Don't even make eye contact. This will make them feel like you're over it and somewhat embarrassed by your behavior. Rule #1 to BAG, you never get embarrassed by your behavior. Once you've got some real good items lay low and keep and eye on the check lanes. Read a Cosmo or something. Make sure you've instructed each cashier to ask this person if they want to save 10% on their purchase by filling out a credit app. And make sure you slip them a couple a bucks to make sure they're persistent in getting them to agree to take the extra time at check out. You're banking on this. Okay, now once you see them head towards check out, make haste and get in line right behind. Push them forward into the lane so they are in front of their own cart. Hint to the cashier that now is the time to get the credit application rolling. Make sure they call the cashier supervisor over as well. This is your distraction. Once they're all tied up with the credit application, slowly put the condoms, Herpecin, Depends, Trojans and g-string undies etc etc into their cart. Once they're done with the credit application, and they start to put all the items on the belt, starting laughing and pointing at the items. When they say the items aren't theirs, laugh even louder and point even more. At this point they'll just want to get out of the store as fast as they can. As they proceed to leave the check out lane without purchasing anything run up behind them and pants them! Then push them over and spank their a$$. This gives you time to run out into the parking lot and perform one or all of the tasks from Road Rage Part3 : Keying Cars. Who cares who sees you key that car and who cares that you've noticed that the parking spot you were waiting for is a handicapped space. I guess that's what that old lady was so easy to push over after you pantsed her.

PS. Don'y forget to go see the new Miley Cyrus concert movie! I can't wait!

Road Rage Part 8: Want To Run After You Hit A Car But Your Car Is Imobilzed?

2008-01-29T19:40:00.000-05:00

Do exactly what it's called, hit the other driver in the gut and run away Speedy.

Road Rage Part 7: How to Properly Perform the Hit & Run in a Parking Lot

2008-01-29T19:18:00.000-05:00

A buddy of mine just told me a story about how he backed into a Corvette the other day, did a good amount of damage and the owner was no where to be seen. He said he was 100% sure that no one else saw. He was leaving a note, then he got nervous and decided to call the cops instead and file a formal police report. So I slapped him in the face. What a maroon. No one saw, so take off bro. You're home free. I mean, I'd take off even if someone did see me. Of course I'd threaten them before I left. However, if you're a wuss and have some sort of anti-threatening problem and do leave a note, it is always recommended that you write your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend's name and number instead of yours. I'd stay away from ex-husband or wife, that's callin it too close.

Road Rage Part 6: Stop Sign Suzy

2008-01-28T18:06:00.000-05:00

I got so many positive responses to Part 5, Ode to Tailgating. Fans of BAG clearly appreciated the poetic license. So here's a little ditty I call "Stop Sign Suzy."

Stop Sign Suzy, came to a legal stop
And I rear ended her because I was on my cell phone talking to the President
Now her car is all jacked up
My car was fine so I drove away really really fast
hee hee, see ya later Stop Sign Suzy!

Road Rage Part 5: Ode To Tailgating

2008-01-27T16:01:00.000-05:00

Part 5. Ode To Tailgating

Ode to tailgating how I love you so.
Ride my ass and you ought to know.
I'll slam my brakes and watch you swerve.
Tailgate me, and you've got some nerve.

Road Rage Part 4: The Gambler

2008-01-26T21:06:00.000-05:00

Part 4, continued from Part 2. If you recall,9 out of 10 people will flee if challenged, so we reconvene to discuss the 10th person, better known as "The Gambler." This person knows when to walk away and knows when to run, so proceed with caution. Make sure you have various weapons in your car like a machine gun, machete, pipe, tire iron, bazooka and a blow torch or flame thrower. Present any one of these weapons and the gambler will most likely fold. The gambler basically takes their chances, thinking that the mere fact that they pulled over allows for them to win. Obviously, they gambled wrong when it comes to dealing with you. When the gambler realizes their mistake, it is your time to make amends and be the good guy. Approach the gambler with right hand extended out to shake their hand. As the gambler makes contact, grasp hold tight and don't let go and mace the gambler in the face with your free left hand. This assures complete dominance and victory. Don't mess with us gambler, see you at the casino.

Road Rage Part 3: Keying Cars

2008-01-25T17:14:00.001-05:00

You ever have your car keyed, well I'll bet you deserved it. Here are a simple few techniques of the trade that I'm sure will serve you well.

1. Walk close to the car, key in one hand with point facing away from the thumb, with thumb facing closest to your body. Inch key close to car so that it touches, then walk the entire the length of the car looking straight ahead pressing as you go. This is known as "Walking The Key Mile."
2. Place key in hand like you are stabbing, lean over hood, trunk or roof of car and sweep arm across car in figure eight or circle fashion. This is know as "Scratch On, Scratch Off."
3. Place key in between middle finger and ring finger then make fist. Extend arm out and walk passed car with key pressed against surface of the car. This is known as "Giving The Bird." You may add keys in between other fingers to enhance the effect. Adding keys to this technique is known as the "Freddy Kreuger" or "The Wolverine."

These are the 3 basic techniques known to most everyone. But if you've got one I have missed, please let me know.

Road Rage Part 2. How to handle the unruly and uncalled for response..

2008-01-24T19:33:00.000-05:00

Did you just get flipped off? Part 2. How to handle the unruly and uncalled for response of the driver who was in front of you at a stop light when it turns green in Part 1?
You did just get flipped off didn't you! I never encourage any form of violence hear at BAG, but mister, this one calls for it. Follow the person real close flashing your lights repeatedly and don't forget to keep honking. See if you can pull up next to them and yell at them to pull over. 9 out of 10 jerks will speed up and drive on, so keep following them. Follow them all the way to their house or workplace. Keep a close eye in case this jerk called the cops. You don't want any trouble. Once you've followed them to their destination, whether it be their home or work, preferably home, get out of your car, approach the person and say "I know where you live" or "I know where you work." I've heard this approach before so I cannot take full credit, but it's my job to advise you and I'm going to do it anyway I know how. Once you've scared the bejesus out the person, take a picture of their house with your camera phone and get into your car. Once you're in your car, pretend to be writing something down. This will also increase the fear factor. Then leave, job well done. I'll come back to the 10th person who actually pulls over in Part 4. This person is known as "The Gambler."

Stay tuned for part 3. Keying Cars

Road Rage...An Informal 18 Part Series You Shouldn't Miss

2008-01-23T19:27:00.000-05:00

Road rage, what is it? Road rage is one of the most important rages of the 20th and 21st centuries. Without it, our society would be lost. Stay tuned for an up close and personal view of the positives of road rage. This 18 part series will inform you, the reader and friends of the reader on how to cherish this famously beloved rage.

Part 1. When the stop light turns green? Slam down on on your horn! That's what it there for. Make sure that all 26 cars in front of you know you're behind them. If the first car in front of you doesn't move fast enough, lay on the horn again, this time use hand gestures and scream at them. If the cars in front of them can't move fast enough because the line to the light is too long, then it certainly isn't your fault, it's clearly the fault of the person directly in front of you. It is imperative that you continue to lay on the horn all the way as you continue through the light. If you do not make it through the light, it's not required that you lay on the horn until the light turns green again but it is highly encouraged. Once you pass through the light, honk repeatedly at the person who was in front of you and call them an idiot bastard as you pass them.

Stay tuned for Part 2. How to handle the unruly and uncalled for response of the driver who was in front of you at a stop light when it turns green? What a jerk.

Taking Blood Part 2, The Night Before

2008-01-22T21:20:00.000-05:00

Hey gang! Igot so many questions from 1/20/08 post: What to do when a nurse takes your blood? So many that I've decided to do a brief part 2. Most questions were about what to do the day or night before you have to have blood taken, so let's get down to brass tacks. If you're going to have to have blood taken tomorrow, they always ask that you fast. That's complete nonsense. In fact, studies show that eating cake, pizza and ice cream and drinking lots of soda pop after midnight enhance the results, especially if you're glucose levels are high. Fasting will only make you hungry and we can't have you die from starvation. Studies show that Americans who do not eat for more than 12 hours can starve to death. I also recommend you drink lots of cherry Kool Aid and a couple of brews as well. Studies have shown that lack of cherry Kool Aid in the system will actually discolor your blood. You want it to be red when it comes out right? If you've got a 8a appointment, why go to sleep? Just stay up partying with your friends. If you're friends aren't partying, go pick up a couple of hookers and score some coke. That will keep you sharp. You'll also be able to drink more. Nothing is more important than a night of binge drinking and illicit drug use right before you have blood tests done. Trust me, you'll thank me later. Now that you know what to do the night before, reread post from 1/20/08 and you'll be one well informed patient.

Paper or Plastic?

2008-01-21T13:03:00.000-05:00

The smart answer is both. Always place the paper bag into the plastic bag, this ensures that your purchased items get the most protection. If you have canvas bags at home, make sure you bring them and put the plastic/paper bag combo into them. If you can, try and sneak a few extra plastic bags at checkout to leave in the parking lot for someone else to pick up. And always remember to make sure you bring all your old used bags back to the store and right before you leave, put them all in a shopping cart and set them on fire. Now that's recycling.

What to do when a nurse takes your blood?

2008-01-20T22:42:00.000-05:00

I get asked all the time, BAG, what is the proper behavior when a nurse is taking your blood? First thing first, always bring your own needle. Who knows where that needle has been? Act like you own the place, you know, start grabbin stuff and stabbing it. Don't stab the nurse, but stab something she's holding. If she's not holding anything, then stab the air repeatedly. Always tie up your own arm at least two hours before you know you're going to have to give blood. That way your arm will get all purple and once the nurse sticks you with the needle blood will shoot out all over the place due to the pressure build up. Make sure you laugh hysterically when this happens. If you're in a situation where you have to give blood unexpectedly, make sure you pump your fist repeatedly and once the nurse sticks you with the needle, scream there she blows and grab other patients nearby blood samples, crack them open and drink them. If the nurse tries to stop you, tell her she is next. This will ensure that your sample will go to the front of the line. If you become light headed, stand up, extend both arms out and start spinning around. Do this until you fall down. Don't forget to offer up a urine sample, if they explain that one is not needed, pee your pants. Then remove your pants and throw them at the nurse screaming "see what you made me do." These simple tasks will always make giving blood a safe and happy experience.

Always Trust The Internet

2008-01-19T16:45:00.000-05:00

The Internet is the most reliable source of information on the planet. Everything you read and see on the Internet is true, including these two sentences you just read.

Too Much Nose Hair?

2008-01-18T18:43:00.000-05:00

Are you plagued with too much nose hair? Are you just an average Joe or Jane that strives for naked nostrils? Do nose hair clippers burn and smoke when you use them? Here are three helpful tips that will eliminate all traces of hair in your nose.
Tip #1: The Swedish KaBoom
Take one butane lighter, make sure there's a decent amount of gas in it. Hold one nostril closed while you release the butane into the other nostril filling the cavity until it begins to sting and your eyes begin to water immensely. Then ignite the lighter under the nostril that is filled with gas. But always remember to make sure the flame is on the lowest setting first. Repeat process for other nostril if you are still alive.
Tip #2: The Handyman Special
You will need at least one 18 volt cordless drill. Higher voltage is recommended, but 18 volts will do. Take a large paper clip and stretch it out until it is one long piece. Use some pliers to create a 1/4 inch 90 degree bend at one end. Insert the straight end where the drill bit goes and tighten. Push the bent end into your nostril and start drill. For better results add more than one paper clip. Repeat process for the other nostril if you still have another nostril.
Tip #3: The Poor Man's Wax
Take one long candle with a small tip and light it. Let the wax heat up and when it starts to drip, turn the candle so that the hot wax builds up around the tip without the flame going out. Once you have a decent amount of hot wax at the tip, blow the candle out and immediately shove it in your nose. Let the candle rest for about 30-55 seconds, then rip candle out of your nose as fast as you can. Repeat process for the other nostril.

***see disclaimer***

Fart On Your Co-Workers Chair?

2008-01-17T21:38:00.000-05:00

Do you have bad gas? Use it to your advantage. When one of your co-workers leaves their office, quickly run in there and fart on their chair. It's a little secret that they'll never know about but it will always make you smile on the inside when you see them sitting at their desk. Hee hee.

It's Snowing!!!

2008-01-16T18:53:00.000-05:00

Hurry, everyone leave work early, drive as fast as you can to the grocery and take some advice I got from Neal Boortz and fill your cart up with bread and milk. Statistically, bread and milk sales skyrocket at the drop of a snow flake and prices can double or even triple, so the faster you get to the store, the better chance you have to get your fair share. Make sure you buy at least 6 loafs of bread and 4 gallons of milk per person. It is a well known fact that 24 loaves of bread and 16 gallons of milk can sustain a family of 4 a minimum 8 hours. Once you're at the grocery, make sure you load up on lots of fresh fish, shrimp and lobster. Avoid all canned goods, with the exception of canned crab meat or salmon and whatever you do, do not buy any water. If you need water, save some money and just melt the snow. Soda, cake mix, bacon, microwave popcorn and fresh fruit like strawberries and raspberries are also important supplies as well as all the salad fixings. Nothing says warm and cozy like a big Caesar salad when you have no power or heat. Oh yea, don't forget to also pick up a whole watermelon and a couple pints of Ben & Jerry's. Half and quarter watermelons are also acceptable but whole melons are always preferred. You may also want to load up on eggs, mayonnaise and lunch meat from the deli. You could be without power for days so it's best to be prepared. One of my favorite emergency situation snacks is cottage cheese and cantaloupe with egg salad in a pita.

To avoid crazy long lines at the grocery, go to the fast lane. If the cashier says you have too many items, separate the items into different piles that match the minimum number of items allowed and put the customer divider sticks in between the piles and pay for each pile separate. Remember to pick up lots of firewood, even if you don't have a fireplace. Studies show that during a snow storm is the most important time to pick up snow shovels, generators, ice scrapers, kitty litter and rock salt. So everyone flock to your nearest supply or department store after you hit the grocery.

If you're car is low on gas, fill up. Common sense tells you that gas prices will skyrocket after a snow storm because you can't drill for oil in the snow. Speed limits are null and void when it snows and all stop lights, green, yellow and red all become automatic yields. On the highway, it is extremely important to tailgate, especially if it's snowing really hard. That way you can easily see the car in front of you. You'll thank me if you find yourself in white out conditions. Turn signals are strictly prohibited during a snow storm. It's distracting as the pretty yellow flashing lights reflect in the snow flakes. And continued from post "Freeze Warning" January 3, 2008 should you pass a snow plow on the left or right? Everyone knows you always pass a snow plow on the right. Never pass on the left. You could damage your car or worse, you could spin out, get stuck and die in a huge explosion.

Title Loans Are Smart & Effective Loans!

2008-01-15T19:33:00.000-05:00

Are you in a pinch this month? Cable bill got you down? Did you go over you cell phone minutes again? Well, have I got the answer for you! If you own a car, or are paying a note on a car, you can use the title to get one sweet loan. You just use your title as collateral and that's it. I thought collateral was just a movie until I got my title loan. I mean, it was so easy. I know I owe a good amount of money on my used 1994 Ford Escort because I'm only a year into the 94 month loan but I really had no idea how easy it was going to be to get a $2000 loan just by handing over my title and signing some pieces of paper with a bunch of small writing on it. I wasn't about to try and read that small print. T-Bone and Mickey at Title-Tidal assured me that 38.99% was a good interest rate. They said I qualified for one of their better title loans. So now I'm $2ooo richer and I'm going on a cruise!! I had so much money leftover after I paid my late bills that I decided to take a vacation. See you in a week!

Who Stands For Keg Stands?

2008-01-14T19:30:00.000-05:00

I stand, you stand, we all stand for keg stands!!

One of the safest ways to drink beer is by keg stand. 4 out of 5 keg standers recall the experience as euphoric, hypnotic, intellectually stimulating and socially invigorating. 1 out of 5 standers don't recall anything at all, but don't let that fool you. Standers believe that the defying acts of gravity that take place during an official keg stand actually promote the repairing of non-functioning dead brain cells into live healthy cells. Here’s how it works:

Liquid, in this case beer, always travels down when you drink. This is due to the muscle function of the esophagus assisted by the natural tendencies of gravity. During an official keg stand, what does the liquid do when it travels down your throat, when it is actually flowing up against the forces of gravity with the stander positioned vertical over the keg? And how does this affect the repairing of dead brain cells into functioning cells? We’ll use Newton’s laws of motion to prove our theory that functioning brains cells are fully repaired during an official keg stand.

I. Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

Exactly, the dead brain cells that already exist have nowhere to go and are clearly not moving, until a keg stand is performed. At which time the beer traveling the opposite direction causes a chain reaction, whereas the dead brain cells are actually set into motion by the beer traveling in the paradoxinated motion of going down and up at the same time. Once the cells are set in motion, they create friction, bouncing against live cells. The live cells release fragments of original stem cells that are then attracted to the dead cells. This leads us to Newton’s law of motion number 2.

II. The relationship between an object's mass m, its acceleration a, and the applied force F is F = ma. Acceleration and force are vectors (as indicated by their symbols being displayed in slant bold font); in this law the direction of the force vector is the same as the direction of the acceleration vector.

As the dead cells attract more stem cells they begin to accelerate. During the acceleration, the cells pass over extremely high levels of oxygenated blood that is created by the vertical position the stander achieves while performing the keg stand. As the dead cells and older healthier stem cells pass over the oxygen rich blood, the stem cells begin to repair the dead cells. The longer the stander remains vertical, the more chance the dead cells have to be repaired.

III. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Unfortunately, keg stands can’t last forever. But studies have proven that standers do maintain large quantities of repaired cells if and only if, they continue to only consume alcohol inverted. Sorry horizontal drinkers, the normal horizontal drinking position will NOT repair dead brain cells and will only reverse positive effects that occurred during your official keg standing period.

Loose Thread, Pull it.

2008-01-13T18:19:00.000-05:00

Loose thread on a piece of clothing you are wearing, then pull it. Everyone has had a loose thread on a piece of clothing at one time or another, so do what the pros do and pull it. Don't pull it fast or cut it, make sure you pull it real slow.