Dating Services...Part Three

So at this point, just Marty was in the car and we drove more and more and more until we turned onto a dirt road. The whole time Marty made me listen to Culture Club. He said the only other cd he had was Tommie Two Tones and the cd is sratched and only plays Jenny (867-5309) on repeat..I hate that song, so Boy George it is. Marty and I were having a great time now. We knew most of the words to all of the songs and he can really sing. Finally we stopped and Marty took my blindfold off and we both got out of the car.....Oh yea, I forgot to mention I was handcuffed the whole time too. Duh. He took those off as well. He said my date was hiding behind a big tree on the side of the road and told me to go over to a specific tree and call out her name. Her name was Danielle. So I walked over to the tree and yelled Danielle. I had to yell a couple of times before.....

Stat Tuned for Part Four...

Dating Services..Part Two

....Yea so, we just stopped to get gas. They bought be a lemon-lime Fanta and some Twizzlers and now we're back on the road. I kept asking where we're going but none of them seemed to speak English like the guys from the van did. I wonder if all dating services are like this one? I imagine so, they do have to cover all the costs and since we've been driving for well over an hour now, the gas money alone will begin to add up. The road started to get pretty curvy, winding all around so I knew we were off the highway. Suddenly we stopped and it seemed like they all got out of the car. I heard them talking but couldn't hear what they were saying. Sounded like someone said do we have to? And then one of the dudes got back into the car and introduced himself as Mr. Marty Mitchel Matchman himself, the owner of the service. "Sweet!" I said. "When do I get to meet my date?" He said, "did you like the Twizzlers?" I said, "yea, I love Twizzlers, great thinking, biting off both ends for me to use as a straw to drink the Fanta." And then he said, "yea, I'm real sorry about the Fanta, that's all they had there."

Stay tuned for part 3.....

Dating Services.Part One

Hey gang, you ever shell out a boat load of cash on a dating service? You did? Me too!! I haven't met anyone yet but I know those guys sure are working for me. I saw the poster, actually it was a bright pink Xeroxed piece of paper with those little tabs cut out on the bottom strategically placed on a telephone pole on the corner of 285 and Roswell Rd. It looked legit so I immediately got on my cell and signed up. I would have grabbed a little tabby thing with the number on it but one, I couldn't wait and two, I was in traffic. All they needed was my social security number and a few other simple questions, like my bank account number, checking account number, routing number, blood type and if I was an organ donor. Which of course I am. So I met them at the Just Brakes at North Druid Hills and I85. We left my car there and I got into their 1985 Chevy Astro van and we drove to the farmer's market at Clairmont and Buford Hwy. We then left their van there and got into a 1993 green Honda Civic with tinted windows and a white rear bumper. At this point I was blindfolded and we drove for what seemed like about a 1/2 an hour....

Stay tuned for what happens next in part two.

Free Refills???

It's commonly known among all eating establishments that free refills are just that, FREE. As long as you save that cup you can keep going back and back and back,as many times as you want and all for free. It's awesome. You don't even have to buy anything. Thirsty at 3pm..do you have your lunch cup from two weeks ago Thursday? 1045a got you screaming for a Sprite, Orange Fanta, Caffeine Free Diet Coke mix? Then you're in. Fill up and chug up. Cup starting to get a little ripe? Is the mold buildup making you sick? Does it not hold any liquid anymore and the duct tape just ain't working? Has the entire inside turned from a glossy waxed white to a deep caramel death brown? Do you puke every time you pick the cup up? Has HAZMAT been called to your house or apartment several times to dispose of your cup? Then ask for a new cup silly...they'll gladly hand you a new one. See a sign posted that says refills are for one time paying customers only, ignore it, or better yet rip it down. They wouldn't be called refills if they weren't refillable.

Do you wear makeup by the pound?

Great! Smart move Maybelline. If you're out and about and you've got nothing to do, drop by the mall and get a makeover during your lunch break. Guys, this is cool for you too. Don't be bashful. A made over man is a smart man. Nothing says testosterone like some blush and foundation. Besides, the hot makeup lady will totally dig you and say you look awesome. Don't forget to get her digits Francois. When the lights go out, you want your face to light up the room, that's what I always say.

Spray Tan is the only Tan.

When it comes to safe and healthy tanning I always go spray. And not that stuff you get a the store, the good stuff that comes in large industrial barrels and gets sprayed on like you're in a car wash. Now that's tanning.


That's me on the far left. My bros are gonna get their tans tomorrow at Tansurrections on Staten Island. Slackers!

There we go! See we're already getting the chicks.

You ever have your air bag go off for no reason?

Yea, me too. What the hell? I mean I was justing sitting at a light and tapped the dude in front of me and the next thing I know I'm seeing stars and taking a bite out of the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man and it ain't sweet. Take it from me Johnson, remove that thing ASAP cause it ain't worth the $1500 bucks it costs to shove it back into the steering wheel. Why does it cost that much? It's just a bag. Now that's one bag, BAG don't approve of. This has got me so mad that I am so going to beat the crap out of some Peeps come Easter.


Um..and on a side note. You can buy sugar free Marshmallows on Ebay from the UK. Make sure you pick some up. The shipping costs alone make it worth it.

Do dinosaurs make you mad because you can't hunt them?

Yea, me too. Pisses me off everyday knowing I can't take down a brontosaurus or triceratops with my semi-automatic. And Jurassic Park 1, 2 and 3, what a tease? Their making 4 too, so that's just another movie I'll have to waste 10 bucks on. Cripes, the movie popcorn is just so salty! I mean how come I can't make a velociraptor with some frog DNA,some tomato juice and in a can of shaving cream? Why, why, why?!!! So, I'm left to setting up some toy dinosaurs on the kitchen table and taking them down with my Super Soaker AK47 CenterFire.

I can't wait to go see 10,000 B.C. in theaters this March. "A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe."

And to clarify, I have no beef with Mammoths, it's the dinosaurs that make me angry.

www.Pukeplanet.com

www.pukeplanet.com. Make sure you check it out.

Regular Posts To Returm 2/21/08, Hold My Hair Back Please!!

Sorry, I've been illin...scheduled to return to normal postitronics 2/21/08. I was going to post a picture but after seeing what was available I realized I couldn't do that to BAG subscribers. Feel free to go to pukeplanet.com though if you want to see what I was up against. I came to the realization that puking wasn't really all that pretty. Who knew?!!

But, I can draw puking.. and that's kinda tame. Hee hee my beeyatches!

Do your clothes make you look fat?

Sweet! Keep wearing them.

You ever write your name in cement?

Cool, I'm glad you did but I bet you forgot your social security number dumba$$. See post "Pin Numbers" for more information.

You may also want to stick your face in the wet cement too. It'll make you famous.

Does my pink tuxedo make me look fat?

Do you speak English?

No? Then have I got the job for you. 1-800 Customer Service Representive. Nothing gets you ready for a job in this fast growing field than an hard accent to follow and zero knowledge of the English language. I mean you could get by, by speaking some English, but you sure don't want to be understood, so when the customer says what? They mean "what" and have no idea what you're saying. Awesome, that's one of the 1o rules of the trade. You also want to be very skilled repeating what you just said when they say "what" so that they will never be able to understand you. You may want to even talk louder when they say they can't understand what you're saying for the 10th time because everyone comprehends better the louder one speaks. Next time when they're asked to press 1 for English, they just may reconsider.

Here's the 10 rules:

Rule #1. Don't speak English.
Rule #2. If you do speak English, suck at it.
Rule #3. Repeat yourself frequently when the customer can't understand the words you are spillin.
Rule #4. Talk louder as you repeat yourself.
Rule #5. In perfect English, tell the customer you are just trying to help and please calm down while you try and assist them.
Rule #6. Change your name from Habib Samir to Dale.
Rule #7. When they ask for your supervisor, put them on hold and when you come back just change your voice.
Rule #8. If they get so unruly suggest that they call the complaint line but give them the same number that they just called and when they call back answer. If they ask if this is the same Dale that they just talked to say yes.
Rule#9. When the customer starts screaming, put them on speaker so everyone around you can hear and the customer can hear everyone around you laughing.
Rule #10. When the conversation comes to and end and the customer gives up, in perfect English say, "thank you for choosing so and so company, I hope I have assisted you today with your problem and have a wonderful day."

So you forgot Valentine's Day?

First thing first Romeo, pretend today is. Shouldn't everyday be Valentine's Day anyway? So get the flowers, make a reservation at her favorite restaurant and pick up the jewelry at Shane Co. She knows you best, so she might just think you're dumb enough to actually think today is Valentine's Day. I mean, it's not like it's all over the TV and Radio so it's easy to miss it. She'll be so impressed that you made all these plans and crap that she'll totally forget all the roses that were delivered to every female at her office, while she sat there roseless, with everyone asking where hers were and if she thought you were going to Jared..why the hell would you go see that guy on the Subway commercials that used to be fat? Anyway, what's he going to do for you, sell you a tuna sub? Heck, I don't even think he works there. Oh yea, she will so forget all those women with roses and balloons at work once she sees you in your heart boxer briefs that you got on sale at Target for 1/2 off..Kaaching! Or Shwing!! See brainiac, you were the smartest of all of us for forgetting. You got the boxers 1/2 off, the restaurant was so not booked and getting a table was a breeze and you aren't forced one menu and automatically charged 75 bucks a head just for showing up. The flowers were all one day old and 75% off and Shane Co. is your friend in the diamond business and always gives you the best prices so you my friend, are a genius. Make sure you forget her birthday too. She'll be so surprised when you show up a week later with a puppy.

Can't Pay Your Mortage? Part 2

Before you burn your house down cuz you can't pay your mortgage make sure you go to your local hardware store and ask them what the fastest way to burn a house down is..and make sure you pay for all your materials with a credit card.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Can't Pay Your Mortage Part 1

Can't pay your mortgage? Burn the house down and collect the insurance money dumba$$.

Speedo or Speedon't?

Are you getting ready for your winter cruise? Are you 50, 60, 70, 100 lbs overweight? Well, do what I do and bust out the Speedo. Nothin says you're on vacation like snug balls and hairy exposed crack.

.....And make sure you all go out and see Step Up 2, The Streets. Opens Valentine's Day this Thursday!!! Directed by Jon Chu , starring Briana Evigan and Robert Hoffman.

" Romantic sparks occur between two dance students from different backgrounds at the Maryland School of the Arts."

Hmm, sounds like they drive the all new WRX STI Subaru that rivals the Ford Shelby at 305 HP.

Much Ado About Huffing

When you pump gas, do you find that your mouth constantly gets in the way? Do you find yourself yearning for the taste of shoe polish and paint thinner? Do you put White Out on your pepperoni pizza from Dominos and Pizza Hut but put wood polish on your sausage and onion from Papa John’s? Do household cleaners like Pine Sol and Spic n’Span call to you in the mid of night? Is your dog named Polyurethane and your cat Mr. Clean? Is your favorite salad dressing ingredient tire cleaner? Do you hang out at the emissions place during your lunch hour, after work, on the weekends and every Friday night? Does WD-40 make you horny? When Rosie was talking about the quicker picker upper, she wasn’t referring to paper towels now was she? Do you have silver and gold spray paint cans lying around but nothing silver and gold to spray paint? Do you constantly wreak of nail polish remover? When someone offers you a beer do you immediately poor it out and fill the can and/or bottle with an industrial strength glue product? And does Elmer’s glue just make you mad? If so, then you’re a Huffer, which is a great profession in my book. The best part about huffing is that you can use many of the same products to make speed. Huffing is a cheaper alternative to coke and heroine and much of what you huff is recyclable if you huff it right. Well ventilated areas are for horses and other wild beasts you can whisper to, but not for Huffers. Huffers don’t play that. Give me an 8 x 10 or smaller with no windows any day of the week. I suggest you build huff tents or huff lodges. That way you can invite friends and charge admission. They will call you The Great Hufferpotomus, Chief Huffs Alot, Huff Daddy or The Huffness Monster and they will worship you all your Huffiness to the max.

I don't usually do not do this, but this post is dedicated to a Red Headed Step Child friend of mine, who once huffed NyQuil in it's purest form during his lunch hour and lived to tell us about it. God bless RHSC, oh great huffer of NyQuil. Stay tuned for more adventures of RHSC when we discuss how dog walking and head wounds can go hand in hand.

Taunting Tigers????????..?...!!!.......???

Tigers don't kill people, people kill people....unless you're taunting the tiger, then they might kill you. I'm really uncertain about the taunting because I really recommend it whenever you have the chance, but death is also a negative outcome and BAG doesn't approve of death. So taunt at your own discretion and if you don't mind dying then I clearly recommend that you taunt large prey and game animals at every chance you get. A favorite taunt of mine is buffalo, elk and deer. Those are somewhat common and easily taunt-worthy.

Road Rage Part 18: The Final Road Rage Post, The Hitchhiker Part B

So, you've done the smart thing and you've picked up the hitchhiker. Make sure you take them to where ever they want to go, even if it means cross country. That 20+ hour drive will make a friend for life. Who cares that he's been holding you at gunpoint the whole time and you've had to soil yourself because he won't let you exit the car...and who cares if he's emptied your bank account and has all your credit cards, you did the right thing by picking him up and that my friend is worth it. A hitchhiker friend is a friend indeed.

Road Rage Part 17: The Hitchhiker Part A

Pick that bastard up. Someone has to, might as well be you.

Road Rage Part 16: The Crosswalk

Are you driving along minding your own business and you come up to a crosswalk and some jacka$$ is walkin across the street and you have to slow down or even stop? Well, lay on the freakin horn, roll window down, extend middle finger and scream at them to get out of the way. That'll be the last time that joker tries to use a crosswalk to cross the street. Jerk, makes me mad just thinking about it.

Road Rage PArt 15: On Coming Traffic

Picture this, you ever find yourself at a stop light, say in the left hand turning lane, with like 5 or 6 cars ahead of you...and let's just say this lady decides to pass traffic that is stopped facing the other way at another left hand turn and she's attempting to pass way on the far left lane, which would be the opposite traffic's right lane and the light you're waiting for turns green and now she's backing up facing traffic the wrong way and trying to cut in front of you while on coming traffic starts barreling towards her and you don't let her in because, well you're driving in the proper lane, going the proper way and the light is green dumba$$...the result could mean that the moron bitch of a driver might just go ballistic. Mission accomplished.

Road Rage Part 14: What to do you when get pulled over.

There are several schools of thought about what to do when you get pulled over. Here's a couple of examples that I follow to the T all the time.
1. The DUI or the DWI.
If you get pulled over and you're under the influence your first mistake was that you pulled over. When the police officer approaches your car, try to hide the empty beer cans or bottles under your seat and the passengers seat. Make sure you really push them under there. If the police officer sees you moving about, he'll only assume you are looking for your license and registration. When you roll down your window and he asks for your license and registration, burp in his face and ask if he wants a beer.
2. Caught Speeding?
Same here, if you pulled over, big mistake, always try and outrun the police first. If you have a crappy car and can't outrun the police then use your blinkers to your advantage. Signal right, but actually go left for example. This is most useful if you are on the interstate and you fake getting off at an exit. They fall for that trick every time and you'll be so free so fast they won't know what hit them. More than one cop chasing? Then repeat process as many times as it takes. If you do eventually pull over you're an idiot but at least make sure you get out of your car immediately and approach the police rapidly.
The two techniques are proven to be 100% effective.

Road Rage Part 13: Swerving

Have your passengers started to get car sick because you swerve too much after a hard day of drinking at the beach? Salisbury rules! Well, if they do, make sure they have something to puke in. A long time ago I once didn't believe that a wise passenger of mine was about to hurl...until I heard it. Fortunately she made excellent use of the cooler that was in the back seat. She puked all over a couple of brews but she didn't puke in the car. So 14-15 years later, she still holds dear to my heart for not puking all over the back of my car. By puking in the cooler, she also kept the car free of puke smell. God bless.

Road Rage Part 12: Right on Red

If the person in front of you has a clear shot to make a right on red but neglects to do so, do what I do and get out of your car, approach the vehicle and slam your fists on the hood screaming at them to go. If that doesn't work, then just ram them with your car. They'll get the message eventually.

Road Rage Part 11: Text Messaging While Driving, Write on Read

ABC DEF GHI JKL MNO PQRS TUV WXYZ...
One of the most important forms of communication these days is text messaging, so don't let driving get in the way of reading or writing a text. If you feel the need, you may want to turn your hazards on and make sure your seat is up high and close enough so you can drive with your knees. You may also want to take advantage of that red light and perform what is better know as a write on read, so get that text sent before the light turns green. At a yield sign? Yield signs also allow for an excellent chance to text, just treat it as a stop light or stop sign. Which leads me to stop signs. Texting at a stop sign is awesome. You can stay there as long as you like and know one will care because the sign says stop. Whatever you do, don't let driving get in your way. These tips can also be applied to using your Blackberry while driving.

Road Rafe Part 10: The Drag Race,

If someone challenges you......then drag race!