Does my unibrow make me look like this?

This is a toast to urine samples.....TO URINE SAMPLES!!

Um, yea...my hands were dirty.....

Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Reader person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just felt like screaming at you!!!!!







Oh, and please keep reading! Without you I'd be nothin.

Electric or Gas?

Yea, so despite my electrician saying I have to have a gas stove since my house is equipped for gas, I'm hooking up an electric one. I hate the burners on gas stoves, the electric ones let you know they are hot by turning red! So my electrician just went home all pissed off for some reason and all I know is that all it took was a couple of rolls of duct tape, 5 to be exact and I've got the gas hookups connected to my electric stove perfectly bitch. You can't even tell the difference but the gas really does stink and it's making me dizzy. I guess that's normal..oh snap!!!! Check it!! The coils are turning red too! And that dumbass electrician said it couldn't be done. I've got gas pumping away like a MoFo and the electric coils are firin up some juicy hot red metal red/orange/red metally kinda. Snap! I'm a regular blacksmith in the making. Watch out Excaliber!! I'm going to go make some Jiffy Pop and smoke a cigarette, then make sword out of the tin foil packaging!!

Hey Remember!!

Hey remember when I installed that ceiling fan in the middle of my living room floor and it created some stupid ass vortex and dead people and wizards kept f-in showin up? Yea, well, that f-in fan keeps cutting up my shins up and my cats had like five serious head blows to the face as a result. I need the help of the BAGists, so please unite and give me some suggestions. I thought about taking a big cardboard box and putting it around the fan but that clearly defeats the whole purpose of having the fan there in the first place ya know?! I also thought about getting some chicken wire and putting that around the fan but the first headmaster in the Harry Potter movies and Truman Capote both told me that was kind of a gay idea. Jerry Garcia suggested I set up some hydroponics but I don't smoke so what's the point. Please BAGists, help a poor boy from Massachusetts figure out how to keep his awesome ceiling fan in the middle of his living room flor without gashin up his shins and killing his cat!

Ceiling Fan....or Vortex?

Hey!!! You!!! You ever install a ceiling fan in the middle of your living room floor and then turn it on and try vacuuming at the same time? Well, I did and I think I created some kind of vortex because dead people and wizards keep appearing in my apartment and I didn't order any. Can someone please tell Jacques Cousteau that I don't want to visit the bottom of the sea any time soon and that if Sammy Davis Jr doesn't stop tap dancing in my bathroom that I'm going to kill him even though he's already dead. And why do these f-in wizards use so much toilet paper!!!! These guys are going through a roll + a day. Isn't that why they wear robes? Is that why their beards are white. I'm fed up with this sh*t. Stupid vortex.

Ace Slugger Got You Down?

Hey! You! Your ace slugger got you down this baseball season? Well, kill yourself now and get it over with. There's only like 150 games left in the season and there is no way he can turn things around. Sorry. I gots ta be honesto.

It's Pollen Time!!

Do what the pros do yo! It's pollen time my bitches and nothin cuts a line better than my debit card on the hood of my Volkswagen. Uh huh! Sniff up some yellow delicious lines of pollen and get yourself a Claritan D OTC hangover. Wha, what! Wasssup, I'm cool yo! Chicks dig a runny nose and itchy eyes...as long as the itch stay in the eyes you're good to go....wha, what? Itchy!

"Jen Taylor" Is in exile.

If anyone wants to help, feel free to email her at: jentaylor3@sify.com

ATTN: DEAR,

I AM MISS JEN CHARLES TAYLOR 25YRS,THE DAUGHTER OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT,I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION THE SUM OF NINE MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS{$9,000,000.00},AND THE TOP LIST OF MY PRIORITY IS WHERE TO INVEST THIS MONEY OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY. "REASON BEST KNOWN TO ME".I URGENTLY NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN PROVIDING A RELIABLE GENUINE TRADE OR COMPANY WHERE I CAN INVEST THE FUND AND IMMEDIATELY MEET YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY FOR SETTLEMENT.PLEASE I WILL KINDLY WELCOME YOUR ADVICE TOO.
I AM EXPECTING YOUR URGENT MAIL RESPONSE. I NEED YOUR SUPPORT AND SERIOUSNESS.I AM PRESENTLY ON EXILE NOW WITH MY BROTHER CHOKRI TAYLOR.
YOUR URGENT RESPONSE IS EXPECTED. SEND YOUR CONFIDENTIAL PHONE NUMBER SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU WHEN NECCESSARY.
MISS JEN CHARLES TAYLOR

Uh?

Go Tiger!!

Tiger Woods asked me to design his new Buick for The Masters this week, so I took a 1974 Chrysler Town & Country and said how about this brother? So he said screw you to Buick, I'm a T&C guy now!! I hope he doesn't mind that I parked it on the fairway of Amen Corner.





Here's a close up at my mom's house.

Dentists?

Um, why do they call dentists, dentists? To teeth get into car accidents and get dented. No! So call dentists what they are, jerks.

Is your cat fascninated by the shower?

Let him jump in, hell never learn his lesson anyway. Trust me, he also likes open dishwashers.

Why Stop At Wood?

Why stop at wood when you can go brick? Stay tuned for more awesome simulated side panels.

And Wolf Blitzer, try blowing this bad boy Chrysler Town & Country down ya hack!!!

Stabbing People Ain't Cheap

So gang, I've got a problem. Times are tough and I don't know what a cheap alternative is to cleaning up after I stab someone. I'm stabbing about 10-15 random people a week and I'm going through about 40-70 rolls of paper towels per person. Now that's about a buck a roll, so you can see that things are adding up pretty quickly. I mean, I'm not going to stop stabbing people, nope, no way, gives me too much pleasure but regular cloth towels just don't do the same job and I have to wash them. The last time I washed 50 bloodied towels I got some pretty crazy looks at the laundromat and ended up stabbing some of the fellow laundromateers. Then I had to to shove them in the dumpster out back......which seriously BAGists, is so tacky. BAGists, if you have a better idea on an affordable method to clean up after a stabbing, then please let me know. I've tried those super soaking sponge type cloths but you need a lot of them and they ain't cheap either. Clearly I'm facing an issue where I need Billy Mayes to step in but I'm hoping my readers will have the solution first. Please help in these tough times.

Wasabi?

You ever put Wasabi powder in your roommates contact lenses solution? Yea? Well me too. And it hurts like an f-in beeeeeeyatch. Cause he did it to me first. So I took the liberty of dosing everything he owns in Wasabi powder. It's like a hidden punch in the face and you never know when it's gonna hit you. I got his underwear drawer, deodorant, shit, I even put it on his steering wheel and gas cap. I think I'll hit the toilet paper in his bathroom next. Feel the burn Jeremy, feel the burn.

Some Kind Of Wonderful

Rock, Paper, Gang Signs....

If you look close, you can see the herpes. Wait, that's not herpes, I think she's been in a fight recently. ..well...maybe it's both.

Post below are inspired by the wisdom K-Dub

Check out this awesome bathroom photo of us!

This girl here with her back to us is doing blow.