When you pump gas, do you find that your mouth constantly gets in the way?
Do you find yourself yearning for the taste of shoe polish and paint thinner?
Do you put White Out on your pepperoni pizza from Dominos and Pizza Hut but put wood polish on your sausage and onion from Papa John’s?
Do household cleaners like Pine Sol and Spic n’Span call to you in the mid of night?
Is your dog named Polyurethane and your cat Mr. Clean?
Is your favorite salad dressing ingredient tire cleaner?
Do you hang out at the emissions place during your lunch hour, after work, on the weekends and every Friday night?
Does WD-40 make you horny? When Rosie was talking about the quicker picker upper, she wasn’t referring to paper towels now was she?
Do you have silver and gold spray paint cans lying around but nothing silver and gold to spray paint?
Do you constantly wreak of nail polish remover?
When someone offers you a beer do you immediately poor it out and fill the can and/or bottle with an industrial strength glue product?
And does Elmer’s glue just make you mad?
If so, then you’re a Huffer, which is a great profession in my book.
The best part about huffing is that you can use many of the same products to make speed.
Huffing is a cheaper alternative to coke and heroine and much of what you huff is recyclable if you huff it right.
Well ventilated areas are for horses and other wild beasts you can whisper to, but not for Huffers.
Huffers don’t play that.
Give me an 8 x 10 or smaller with no windows any day of the week. I suggest you build huff tents or huff lodges.
That way you can invite friends and charge admission.
They will call you The Great Hufferpotomus, Chief Huffs Alot, Huff Daddy or The Huffness Monster and they will worship you all your Huffiness to the max.
I don't usually do not do this, but this post is dedicated to a Red Headed Step Child friend of mine, who once huffed NyQuil in it's purest form during his lunch hour and lived to tell us about it. God bless RHSC, oh great huffer of NyQuil. Stay tuned for more adventures of RHSC when we discuss how dog walking and head wounds can go hand in hand.
Before you burn your house down cuz you can't pay your mortgage make sure you go to your local hardware store and ask them what the fastest way to burn a house down is..and make sure you pay for all your materials with a credit card.
Can't pay your mortgage? Burn the house down and collect the insurance money dumba$$.
Are you getting ready for your winter cruise? Are you 50, 60, 70, 100 lbs overweight? Well, do what I do and bust out the Speedo. Nothin says you're on vacation like snug balls and hairy exposed crack.
When you pump gas, do you find that your mouth constantly gets in the way? Do you find yourself yearning for the taste of shoe polish and paint thinner? Do you put White Out on your pepperoni pizza from Dominos and Pizza Hut but put wood polish on your sausage and onion from Papa John’s? Do household cleaners like Pine Sol and Spic n’Span call to you in the mid of night? Is your dog named Polyurethane and your cat Mr. Clean? Is your favorite salad dressing ingredient tire cleaner? Do you hang out at the emissions place during your lunch hour, after work, on the weekends and every Friday night? Does WD-40 make you horny? When Rosie was talking about the quicker picker upper, she wasn’t referring to paper towels now was she? Do you have silver and gold spray paint cans lying around but nothing silver and gold to spray paint? Do you constantly wreak of nail polish remover? When someone offers you a beer do you immediately poor it out and fill the can and/or bottle with an industrial strength glue product? And does Elmer’s glue just make you mad? If so, then you’re a Huffer, which is a great profession in my book. The best part about huffing is that you can use many of the same products to make speed. Huffing is a cheaper alternative to coke and heroine and much of what you huff is recyclable if you huff it right. Well ventilated areas are for horses and other wild beasts you can whisper to, but not for Huffers. Huffers don’t play that. Give me an 8 x 10 or smaller with no windows any day of the week. I suggest you build huff tents or huff lodges. That way you can invite friends and charge admission. They will call you The Great Hufferpotomus, Chief Huffs Alot, Huff Daddy or The Huffness Monster and they will worship you all your Huffiness to the max.
Tigers don't kill people, people kill people....unless you're taunting the tiger, then they might kill you. I'm really uncertain about the taunting because I really recommend it whenever you have the chance, but death is also a negative outcome and BAG doesn't approve of death. So taunt at your own discretion and if you don't mind dying then I clearly recommend that you taunt large prey and game animals at every chance you get. A favorite taunt of mine is buffalo, elk and deer. Those are somewhat common and easily taunt-worthy.
So, you've done the smart thing and you've picked up the hitchhiker. Make sure you take them to where ever they want to go, even if it means cross country. That 20+ hour drive will make a friend for life. Who cares that he's been holding you at gunpoint the whole time and you've had to soil yourself because he won't let you exit the car...and who cares if he's emptied your bank account and has all your credit cards, you did the right thing by picking him up and that my friend is worth it. A hitchhiker friend is a friend indeed.
Pick that bastard up. Someone has to, might as well be you.
