Does my unibrow make me look like this?

This is a toast to urine samples.....TO URINE SAMPLES!!

Um, yea...my hands were dirty.....

Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Reader person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just felt like screaming at you!!!!!







Oh, and please keep reading! Without you I'd be nothin.

Electric or Gas?

Yea, so despite my electrician saying I have to have a gas stove since my house is equipped for gas, I'm hooking up an electric one. I hate the burners on gas stoves, the electric ones let you know they are hot by turning red! So my electrician just went home all pissed off for some reason and all I know is that all it took was a couple of rolls of duct tape, 5 to be exact and I've got the gas hookups connected to my electric stove perfectly bitch. You can't even tell the difference but the gas really does stink and it's making me dizzy. I guess that's normal..oh snap!!!! Check it!! The coils are turning red too! And that dumbass electrician said it couldn't be done. I've got gas pumping away like a MoFo and the electric coils are firin up some juicy hot red metal red/orange/red metally kinda. Snap! I'm a regular blacksmith in the making. Watch out Excaliber!! I'm going to go make some Jiffy Pop and smoke a cigarette, then make sword out of the tin foil packaging!!

Hey Remember!!

Hey remember when I installed that ceiling fan in the middle of my living room floor and it created some stupid ass vortex and dead people and wizards kept f-in showin up? Yea, well, that f-in fan keeps cutting up my shins up and my cats had like five serious head blows to the face as a result. I need the help of the BAGists, so please unite and give me some suggestions. I thought about taking a big cardboard box and putting it around the fan but that clearly defeats the whole purpose of having the fan there in the first place ya know?! I also thought about getting some chicken wire and putting that around the fan but the first headmaster in the Harry Potter movies and Truman Capote both told me that was kind of a gay idea. Jerry Garcia suggested I set up some hydroponics but I don't smoke so what's the point. Please BAGists, help a poor boy from Massachusetts figure out how to keep his awesome ceiling fan in the middle of his living room flor without gashin up his shins and killing his cat!

Ceiling Fan....or Vortex?

Hey!!! You!!! You ever install a ceiling fan in the middle of your living room floor and then turn it on and try vacuuming at the same time? Well, I did and I think I created some kind of vortex because dead people and wizards keep appearing in my apartment and I didn't order any. Can someone please tell Jacques Cousteau that I don't want to visit the bottom of the sea any time soon and that if Sammy Davis Jr doesn't stop tap dancing in my bathroom that I'm going to kill him even though he's already dead. And why do these f-in wizards use so much toilet paper!!!! These guys are going through a roll + a day. Isn't that why they wear robes? Is that why their beards are white. I'm fed up with this sh*t. Stupid vortex.

Ace Slugger Got You Down?

Hey! You! Your ace slugger got you down this baseball season? Well, kill yourself now and get it over with. There's only like 150 games left in the season and there is no way he can turn things around. Sorry. I gots ta be honesto.

It's Pollen Time!!

Do what the pros do yo! It's pollen time my bitches and nothin cuts a line better than my debit card on the hood of my Volkswagen. Uh huh! Sniff up some yellow delicious lines of pollen and get yourself a Claritan D OTC hangover. Wha, what! Wasssup, I'm cool yo! Chicks dig a runny nose and itchy eyes...as long as the itch stay in the eyes you're good to go....wha, what? Itchy!

"Jen Taylor" Is in exile.

If anyone wants to help, feel free to email her at: jentaylor3@sify.com

ATTN: DEAR,

I AM MISS JEN CHARLES TAYLOR 25YRS,THE DAUGHTER OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT,I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION THE SUM OF NINE MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS{$9,000,000.00},AND THE TOP LIST OF MY PRIORITY IS WHERE TO INVEST THIS MONEY OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY. "REASON BEST KNOWN TO ME".I URGENTLY NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN PROVIDING A RELIABLE GENUINE TRADE OR COMPANY WHERE I CAN INVEST THE FUND AND IMMEDIATELY MEET YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY FOR SETTLEMENT.PLEASE I WILL KINDLY WELCOME YOUR ADVICE TOO.
I AM EXPECTING YOUR URGENT MAIL RESPONSE. I NEED YOUR SUPPORT AND SERIOUSNESS.I AM PRESENTLY ON EXILE NOW WITH MY BROTHER CHOKRI TAYLOR.
YOUR URGENT RESPONSE IS EXPECTED. SEND YOUR CONFIDENTIAL PHONE NUMBER SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU WHEN NECCESSARY.
MISS JEN CHARLES TAYLOR

Uh?

Go Tiger!!

Tiger Woods asked me to design his new Buick for The Masters this week, so I took a 1974 Chrysler Town & Country and said how about this brother? So he said screw you to Buick, I'm a T&C guy now!! I hope he doesn't mind that I parked it on the fairway of Amen Corner.





Here's a close up at my mom's house.

Dentists?

Um, why do they call dentists, dentists? To teeth get into car accidents and get dented. No! So call dentists what they are, jerks.

Is your cat fascninated by the shower?

Let him jump in, hell never learn his lesson anyway. Trust me, he also likes open dishwashers.

Why Stop At Wood?

Why stop at wood when you can go brick? Stay tuned for more awesome simulated side panels.

And Wolf Blitzer, try blowing this bad boy Chrysler Town & Country down ya hack!!!

Stabbing People Ain't Cheap

So gang, I've got a problem. Times are tough and I don't know what a cheap alternative is to cleaning up after I stab someone. I'm stabbing about 10-15 random people a week and I'm going through about 40-70 rolls of paper towels per person. Now that's about a buck a roll, so you can see that things are adding up pretty quickly. I mean, I'm not going to stop stabbing people, nope, no way, gives me too much pleasure but regular cloth towels just don't do the same job and I have to wash them. The last time I washed 50 bloodied towels I got some pretty crazy looks at the laundromat and ended up stabbing some of the fellow laundromateers. Then I had to to shove them in the dumpster out back......which seriously BAGists, is so tacky. BAGists, if you have a better idea on an affordable method to clean up after a stabbing, then please let me know. I've tried those super soaking sponge type cloths but you need a lot of them and they ain't cheap either. Clearly I'm facing an issue where I need Billy Mayes to step in but I'm hoping my readers will have the solution first. Please help in these tough times.

Wasabi?

You ever put Wasabi powder in your roommates contact lenses solution? Yea? Well me too. And it hurts like an f-in beeeeeeyatch. Cause he did it to me first. So I took the liberty of dosing everything he owns in Wasabi powder. It's like a hidden punch in the face and you never know when it's gonna hit you. I got his underwear drawer, deodorant, shit, I even put it on his steering wheel and gas cap. I think I'll hit the toilet paper in his bathroom next. Feel the burn Jeremy, feel the burn.

Some Kind Of Wonderful

Rock, Paper, Gang Signs....

If you look close, you can see the herpes. Wait, that's not herpes, I think she's been in a fight recently. ..well...maybe it's both.

Post below are inspired by the wisdom K-Dub

Check out this awesome bathroom photo of us!

This girl here with her back to us is doing blow.

Yep, they're real.

That's right gang, you can all party it up while I do your taxes....

Please pay me in hair gel.

I can't tell??

Is she wearing a g-string? Or nothin?

There's no panty line for a reason....

Death,,,

I think she's 18??

Does our hair make us it look lke we're falling?

Do my guns make me look fat?

Anyone want to play naked Guitar Hero?

Outernet???!

Are you mad because there's no Outernet? Me too! Damn the Internet, damn it to hell.

Do Objects?

Do objects that are closer than they appear piss you off? Me too bitch. Smack that sh*t up. Closer than they appear, who gives them the right.....ass.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!!!!!

Is Billy Mayes your favorite actor too?!!!! Oscar, Oscar Oscar. Hi, I'm Billy Mayes' fan club president, and I'm voting for Billy Mayes.

Do you hop for IHOP?

Wasssup beeyatches? A friend once asked me, BAG, is the International House Of Pancakes made out of real pancakes? I said yes friend. Take a bite and let me know how it tastes.

Waffle House!!!!!

Do you get sad and/or angry every time you see a Waffle House, knowing that building itself is not made out of real waffles? Me too, happens all the time. Just one day I'd love to be able to walk into a Waffle House and when the waitress comes over to take my order I can say, no thanks, I'm just gonna take a couple bites from the wall over there and I'll be cool. Can I get a cup of coffee though? And she'll say, good choice. The wall waffles are the best and the freshest because we replace them everyday. However, If you like fat ass, then I suggest a couple bites from the booths.

Poetic License Suspended??

Black lights engaged!!! Now what the hell was I talking about? Oh yea, you ever get caught eating dirt? Me too happens all the time.

Poetic License Revoked?

You ever have your poetic license revoked or suspended? Me too, it happens all the time. But I've got a guy on the inside that hooks me up. His name is Carrot Top. Great thing about a poetic license is that you don't need a photo ID..in fact, no one really issues them. Which is why it's so confusing to me that I get mine suspended so often. If no one is issuing them, then who is suspending and revoking? That's what we will explore over the next couple days. Well, we will if I stay off my meds. So, you are all in luck. The Lithium is hiding in room 208 down the hall. Hopefully the orderlies won't find it. I've got my straight jacket firmly pressed and I've convinced my doctor to replace all the lights in my room with black lights. Enjoy mates! And stay tuned.

Does this penis costume make me look fat?

Please excuse my friend's gang signs. He's an idiot.

Do you burn microwave popcorn just because you love the smell?

Do you burn microwave popcorn just because you love the smell?

Me too! I burn it all the time. I'm burning it right now and man it's smells f-in great!! My cat's hair permanently smellz like burnt popcorn. Yummy. In fact, my most fav time to burninate the corn is around 2:08 PM every day at the office. Mmmm..burninated corn..The best way to burninate popcorn is to first, take the batteries out of all the smoke detectors in the house. If you're burninating at the office and there are sensors about, cover them with plastic ziploc bags and/or saran wrap. Make sure you use lots of tape! I prefer duct. Coincidence?!! Then, place microwave popcorn bag in microwave and set on high for 58 minutes and wait for burning. If you are using Jiffy Pop, just let it sit on the stove for like an hour. If you're a dick and you're making it the old fashioned way in a pot with oil, don't use oil, use two sticks of butter or jug of Crisco, cover and walk away..again for about an hour, two if you've got the time. If you have one of those hot air popcorn making machines that sound like a jet engine, kill yourself now, that's no way to burn popcorn you A-hole. In fact, take it into the bathroom, fill the tub up with water, sit in tub and throw the piece of sh*t in the tub with you and make sure it's plugged in. I hope this info serves you well. Enjoy mates!!

Picture:

The picture here off to the left is an example of some chump's poor ass excuse for burnt popcorn. This picture clearly shows what not to do. If you consider this burnt popcorn, I, and the world will shun you. Nobody went blind, no one was gasping for clean air, no one went home smelling like BP and the place is still standing. Feel free to send me pics of your own BPE...The Burnt Popcorn Experience is your playground BAGists.

Picture:

And here, off to the right....this is what you should look like after you properly burned popcorn ya jerk!!

Cat Puke?

Hey gang! You ever hear your cat pukin and you get up to see what the dealio is and you don't see the actual puke but you know your cat just puked? Um, do you ever pick up a pair of sweat pants from the bedroom floor and say, toss it at your cat because you know he just puked...kinda as punishment...and well, to your surprise, you grab the sweat pants and it just so happens that your cat puked all in the sweat pants where you couldn't see it and when you grabbed and tossed them the cat puke just flew and sprayed all over the carpet as you watched the sweat pants hit the floor and your cat just kicked his or her heels and ran away. So, cat puke now littered the floor, where it was once confined to a pair of sweat pants......That ever happen to you? Yea, kinda random, I can't imagine that ever happening to anyone. Nope. Not even me. My suggestion to you if it did would be to leave the cat puke right where it is, maybe the cat will eat it when it dries and that's recycling. BAG always goes green when he can.

Glad to know that whoever owns those sweat pants found the puke when they did and didn't get a surprise the next time they decided to wear them.

Regrets???!

Hey, you ever regret a certain type of hair style you used to sport? No? Me neither.

Chopped!

Hey, you ever chop someone's knee caps off and ship them back to the jerk UPS overnight? Yea me too, happens all the time. Just make sure they're home to sign for them.



Ask not what your knee caps can do for your, ask what you can do for your knee caps.

Prostitution is illegal? Someone should have told me.

You ever find yourself in a federal investigation for being involved in a prostitution ring? Yea me too. Happens all the time.

You ever find yourself in your car at the bottom of a lake, river or ocean?

Me too! Happens to me all the time. First thing first, don't panic. Help is on the way. Sit back and relax, enjoy the scenery. Make sure to pop your ears frequently as you sink , you don't want your ear drums to burst and by all means, you don't want to get the bends. How embarrassing would that be?

Has your cat ever sneezed in your face?

If you're lucky more than once. My cat sneezes in my face all the time and it's awesome. In fact, the record is 4 times in one sitting. After the first sneeze, I said to myself, "BAG, should I move my face?" And I replied, "no BAG, you don't need to move your face, what are the chances he'll sneeze again?" Sure enough, bam! He sneezed again. So I said to myself, "BAG, should I move my face?" And I replied, "no BAG, you don't need to move your face, what are the chances he'll sneeze again?" Sure enough, bam! He sneezed again. So I said to myself, "BAG, should I move my face?" And I replied, "no BAG, you don't need to move your face, what are the chances he'll sneeze again?" Sure enough, bam! He sneezed again.After the fourth sneeze, I said to myself, "BAG, should I move my face?" And I replied, "no BAG, you don't need to move your face, what are the chances he'll sneeze again?" But this time I was right. He jumped off the bed and left the room.

Life Saving Tornado Hat

Find yourself in a Tornado lately and not sure what to do? Well here's the product for you. The Life Saving Tornado Hat. Make sure you have enough for the whole family. Keep a set in the car as well. Just put on your LSTH when you find yourself in a Tornado and the negative pressure that occurs when the propeller starts to spin will destroy the Tornado. Pam from Idaho said this about her LSTH, "I put on my LSTH and I couldn't believe how fast the Tornado was destroyed. I don't want to call myself a hero, but I sure did save more than one life that day." Amanda from Dallas said, "I put the LSTH's on the kids and sent them running directly into the Tornado. 10 seconds later we were all safe as can be. I love my LSTH." Dorothy from Kansas said this, "Once the house started spinning and flying up in the air I knew I had I put on my LSTH and the pet sized one on my dog Toto. Tornado busted! There's no place like home, that's what I always say." And Alan G. from Detroit had this to say, "I pulled over under a bridge, got out of my car, grabbed my LSTH and ran directly into the Tornado. The f-in Tornado just blew up and I saved the entire city of Detroit that day." And we're all glad he did. The LSTH is approved by the Food and Drug Administration and 4 out of 5 dentists agree, that the Life Saving Tornado Hat does prevent cavities. Purchase your Life Saving Tornado Hat today.

Chicken Suit Man Wanted

Reply to: job-596886424@BAGslist.org

Date: 2008-03-05, 8:08PM EST

Wanted 5 mornings a week a person that can stand up with a banner in a chicken suit.

please call 555- CHIK-MAN

Location: Atlanta
Compensation: $6
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Dating Service Part The End

Yea, so the sun is coming up and I walked most of the night. But guess what happened? A big van pulled up and gave me a ride. Now me and this girl Angela are dating. Screw dating services when chicks riding in a van pick you up on the side of the highway in the middle of the night. Here's a picture. See how happy we are?!!

Dating Services........Part Eight

Suddenly Marty came driving up from out of nowhere. I started to call him but that girl flipped me off and jumped in his car and they drove away. Marty was also flipping me off too and then he threw an envelope out of the window as I ran after them. I wonder who that girl was? And what's in the envelope? The envelope had my name on it, so I opened it. In it was my profile with certain things highlighted...handcuffs, long drives, Culture Club, girl behind a tree etc etc. It all made sense now. Marty was giving me a full refund because he couldn't find me a match. Cripes, my profile was too picky I guess, maybe I need to be more open about things in the future. Also enclosed was my $4,500 check written out to ReMatch.com with refund written in red on it. He was refunding my money. That sure was nice of him..and honest since he couldn't find me a match. Not all places will do that. But who the hell was that girl? And why didn't Danielle show up.?I went back to the tree one last time but I got nothing. It was dark and starting to get cold. I guess I should start walking. It's 7:30PM now and this whole escapade started around 1:30-ish so I think I've got a long walk. Good thing today is Saturday.

Dating Services.......Part Seven

"BAG!!! You F-in idiot. I'm your date. I'm the girl behind the F-in tree you're supposed to find!! Marty was just trying to use "your" answers in "your" profile to create the perfect date. Heck, you said you loved to be blindfolded in a car and you handcuffed yourself on a regular basis. You even said your perfect date was to be ditched by a new found friend who liked to listen and sing along to Culture Club and hated Tommy Two Tones and would prefer to listen to Cult Club over the Thomson Twins on a road trip, only to be stranded on a dirt road alone out in the woods and stumble upon some hot chick behind a big tree. Is this not registering at all?"

"Um, yea, you're not at the right tree. I'm gonna have to go. I'm walking home."

"BAG, you stupid F! I'm calling Marty to pick me up.!!"

"Wait, who are you and how do you know Marty?"

"F - U BAG!! F - U"


Stay tuned for part 8.....

Dating Services......Part Six

"Psssst! Pssssst! BAG!!! Psst! Over here. Wrong tree!"
"WTF! Who the hell is out here in the middle of nowhere and knows my name?!! Who's there?" I whispered. "Who's there?"
"It's me Danielle, you're at the wrong tree."
"Wrong tree? Marty said this tree, so it can't be the wrong tree?"
"I'm over here BAG, you're at the wrong tree!!!"
"No, Marty said this tree, I ain't moving from this tree until Danielle shows up."
"BAG! I'm Danielle and I'm telling you, you're at the wrong tree.!!"
"Prove it. How am I supposed to believe you are Danielle?"
"Who else would be out in the middle of nowhere standing behind a big tree waiting for a guy named BAG...who?!"

Stay tuned for part Seven....................And I assume at this point, none of you thought this could even make a part seven...but I did it, so enjoy ya jerks.

Dating Services.....Part Five

Cripes! Where the hell is Danielle?! I was starting to think this wasn't a legitimate dating service. I played all the scenarios that just happened over the past several hours in my head and I couldn't think of anything out of the ordinary. It all seemed to make sense. I mean you have to be safe and take extra precautions these days because you don't want some crazy murderer dating in your dating service. So blindfolds and handcuffing I assume are standard practices. But why would Marty drive away in such haste without saying anything to me? I mean, we got along great and sang Culture Club for 3 hours straight, so it's not like he has some vendetta against me..or does he? Heck, he bought me Fanta and Twizzlers, two of my favorite things.....but wait!!!! How did he know I loved Fanta and Twizzlers? How did he know that I liked to bite both ends off the Twizzler to make a straw to drink my lemon-lime Fanta? I assumed everyone did that, but now that I'm stranded on a dirt road in the middle of the woods, I'm thinking something sinister is a foot. How did he know my very favorite things? He must have read my profile!!! That jerk. Isn't that private? In my profile I did say I hated the song Jenny (867-5309) and I did say that if I had to choose between listening to Culture Club or or The Thompson Twins on a road trip that I'd choose Culture Club....and I did say I loved long romantic drives that might end up in the mountains at a cabin in the woods on a dirt road....yea, I did say all those things. But why would he ditch me?

Stay tuned for Part Six!!!!!

Dating Services....Part Four

WTF!!! That F-in bastard just drove off!!! Well, maybe Danielle knows where he's going, so I went back to the big tree and continued to call her name. Danielle! Danielle! Danielle! Where are you?!! Marty said you were behind this tree but I don't see you and he just drove away! It must have been some sort of emergency!! Danielle!! Danielle!! Where are you Danielle!!!!!!!!!!

Stay tuned for Part Five.....

Dating Services...Part Three

So at this point, just Marty was in the car and we drove more and more and more until we turned onto a dirt road. The whole time Marty made me listen to Culture Club. He said the only other cd he had was Tommie Two Tones and the cd is sratched and only plays Jenny (867-5309) on repeat..I hate that song, so Boy George it is. Marty and I were having a great time now. We knew most of the words to all of the songs and he can really sing. Finally we stopped and Marty took my blindfold off and we both got out of the car.....Oh yea, I forgot to mention I was handcuffed the whole time too. Duh. He took those off as well. He said my date was hiding behind a big tree on the side of the road and told me to go over to a specific tree and call out her name. Her name was Danielle. So I walked over to the tree and yelled Danielle. I had to yell a couple of times before.....

Stat Tuned for Part Four...

Dating Services..Part Two

....Yea so, we just stopped to get gas. They bought be a lemon-lime Fanta and some Twizzlers and now we're back on the road. I kept asking where we're going but none of them seemed to speak English like the guys from the van did. I wonder if all dating services are like this one? I imagine so, they do have to cover all the costs and since we've been driving for well over an hour now, the gas money alone will begin to add up. The road started to get pretty curvy, winding all around so I knew we were off the highway. Suddenly we stopped and it seemed like they all got out of the car. I heard them talking but couldn't hear what they were saying. Sounded like someone said do we have to? And then one of the dudes got back into the car and introduced himself as Mr. Marty Mitchel Matchman himself, the owner of the service. "Sweet!" I said. "When do I get to meet my date?" He said, "did you like the Twizzlers?" I said, "yea, I love Twizzlers, great thinking, biting off both ends for me to use as a straw to drink the Fanta." And then he said, "yea, I'm real sorry about the Fanta, that's all they had there."

Stay tuned for part 3.....