Road Rage Part 9: I got there first!!!!

Yea, you got there first! And they saw you too but they still pulled right into your parking space. WTF! I mean you had your signal on and everything and the bastard flew in there right in front of you with that dopey look on their face like you snooze you lose. BAG don't lose I can assure you that. I can refer you to Road Rage Part 3: Keying Cars now, or you can do what BAG would do. Since the jerko has pulled into your parking space, it is extremely important that you find a space and fast. Statistics show that the longer it takes to re-find a spot, the less effective your rage will be. You cannot lose the heat of the moment. So hurry up, you want to be able to follow this person closely into the store. If it's not the store you intended to go in, then proceed anyway. Mission parking spot vendetta is in effect. Walk about 10-15 feet behind the person. Talk loudly about what just happened, but don't yell. Save the yelling for inside the store. The person will clearly know you're behind them and they'll begin to sweat and walk a little faster. They're starting to realize that the dick move they just pulled may be backfiring. At this point I'm sure you have onlookers, onlookers who understand and feel your pain. Walk faster as if you are going to pass them and as they go for a cart, swoop in like a hawk and grab the cart they were going to use. Proceed slowly into the store without saying a word. 70% of the people will continue into the store assuming that your wrath is over with some silly shopping cart maneuver. That wasn't silly, what a dope? You are by no means done with them. This is clear and present road rage we're dealing with. Nothing can stop you.
Keep an eye on them and follow from a distance. While you're following, put some items in your cart so it looks like you're shopping. If you're in the health & beauty section grab a bunch of condoms and Preparation H and other embarrassing purchases but keep them relatively small. You're going to need them later. Every so often pass by the person on the same isle but ignore them. Don't even make eye contact. This will make them feel like you're over it and somewhat embarrassed by your behavior. Rule #1 to BAG, you never get embarrassed by your behavior. Once you've got some real good items lay low and keep and eye on the check lanes. Read a Cosmo or something. Make sure you've instructed each cashier to ask this person if they want to save 10% on their purchase by filling out a credit app. And make sure you slip them a couple a bucks to make sure they're persistent in getting them to agree to take the extra time at check out. You're banking on this. Okay, now once you see them head towards check out, make haste and get in line right behind. Push them forward into the lane so they are in front of their own cart. Hint to the cashier that now is the time to get the credit application rolling. Make sure they call the cashier supervisor over as well. This is your distraction. Once they're all tied up with the credit application, slowly put the condoms, Herpecin, Depends, Trojans and g-string undies etc etc into their cart. Once they're done with the credit application, and they start to put all the items on the belt, starting laughing and pointing at the items. When they say the items aren't theirs, laugh even louder and point even more. At this point they'll just want to get out of the store as fast as they can. As they proceed to leave the check out lane without purchasing anything run up behind them and pants them! Then push them over and spank their a$$. This gives you time to run out into the parking lot and perform one or all of the tasks from Road Rage Part3 : Keying Cars. Who cares who sees you key that car and who cares that you've noticed that the parking spot you were waiting for is a handicapped space. I guess that's what that old lady was so easy to push over after you pantsed her.

PS. Don'y forget to go see the new Miley Cyrus concert movie! I can't wait!

Road Rage Part 8: Want To Run After You Hit A Car But Your Car Is Imobilzed?

Do exactly what it's called, hit the other driver in the gut and run away Speedy.

Road Rage Part 7: How to Properly Perform the Hit & Run in a Parking Lot

A buddy of mine just told me a story about how he backed into a Corvette the other day, did a good amount of damage and the owner was no where to be seen. He said he was 100% sure that no one else saw. He was leaving a note, then he got nervous and decided to call the cops instead and file a formal police report. So I slapped him in the face. What a maroon. No one saw, so take off bro. You're home free. I mean, I'd take off even if someone did see me. Of course I'd threaten them before I left. However, if you're a wuss and have some sort of anti-threatening problem and do leave a note, it is always recommended that you write your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend's name and number instead of yours. I'd stay away from ex-husband or wife, that's callin it too close.

Road Rage Part 6: Stop Sign Suzy

I got so many positive responses to Part 5, Ode to Tailgating. Fans of BAG clearly appreciated the poetic license. So here's a little ditty I call "Stop Sign Suzy."

Stop Sign Suzy, came to a legal stop
And I rear ended her because I was on my cell phone talking to the President
Now her car is all jacked up
My car was fine so I drove away really really fast
hee hee, see ya later Stop Sign Suzy!

Road Rage Part 5: Ode To Tailgating

Part 5. Ode To Tailgating

Ode to tailgating how I love you so.
Ride my ass and you ought to know.
I'll slam my brakes and watch you swerve.
Tailgate me, and you've got some nerve.

Road Rage Part 4: The Gambler

Part 4, continued from Part 2. If you recall,9 out of 10 people will flee if challenged, so we reconvene to discuss the 10th person, better known as "The Gambler." This person knows when to walk away and knows when to run, so proceed with caution. Make sure you have various weapons in your car like a machine gun, machete, pipe, tire iron, bazooka and a blow torch or flame thrower. Present any one of these weapons and the gambler will most likely fold. The gambler basically takes their chances, thinking that the mere fact that they pulled over allows for them to win. Obviously, they gambled wrong when it comes to dealing with you. When the gambler realizes their mistake, it is your time to make amends and be the good guy. Approach the gambler with right hand extended out to shake their hand. As the gambler makes contact, grasp hold tight and don't let go and mace the gambler in the face with your free left hand. This assures complete dominance and victory. Don't mess with us gambler, see you at the casino.

Road Rage Part 3: Keying Cars

You ever have your car keyed, well I'll bet you deserved it. Here are a simple few techniques of the trade that I'm sure will serve you well.

1. Walk close to the car, key in one hand with point facing away from the thumb, with thumb facing closest to your body. Inch key close to car so that it touches, then walk the entire the length of the car looking straight ahead pressing as you go. This is known as "Walking The Key Mile."
2. Place key in hand like you are stabbing, lean over hood, trunk or roof of car and sweep arm across car in figure eight or circle fashion. This is know as "Scratch On, Scratch Off."
3. Place key in between middle finger and ring finger then make fist. Extend arm out and walk passed car with key pressed against surface of the car. This is known as "Giving The Bird." You may add keys in between other fingers to enhance the effect. Adding keys to this technique is known as the "Freddy Kreuger" or "The Wolverine."

These are the 3 basic techniques known to most everyone. But if you've got one I have missed, please let me know.

Road Rage Part 2. How to handle the unruly and uncalled for response..

Did you just get flipped off? Part 2. How to handle the unruly and uncalled for response of the driver who was in front of you at a stop light when it turns green in Part 1?
You did just get flipped off didn't you! I never encourage any form of violence hear at BAG, but mister, this one calls for it. Follow the person real close flashing your lights repeatedly and don't forget to keep honking. See if you can pull up next to them and yell at them to pull over. 9 out of 10 jerks will speed up and drive on, so keep following them. Follow them all the way to their house or workplace. Keep a close eye in case this jerk called the cops. You don't want any trouble. Once you've followed them to their destination, whether it be their home or work, preferably home, get out of your car, approach the person and say "I know where you live" or "I know where you work." I've heard this approach before so I cannot take full credit, but it's my job to advise you and I'm going to do it anyway I know how. Once you've scared the bejesus out the person, take a picture of their house with your camera phone and get into your car. Once you're in your car, pretend to be writing something down. This will also increase the fear factor. Then leave, job well done. I'll come back to the 10th person who actually pulls over in Part 4. This person is known as "The Gambler."

Stay tuned for part 3. Keying Cars

Road Rage...An Informal 18 Part Series You Shouldn't Miss

Road rage, what is it? Road rage is one of the most important rages of the 20th and 21st centuries. Without it, our society would be lost. Stay tuned for an up close and personal view of the positives of road rage. This 18 part series will inform you, the reader and friends of the reader on how to cherish this famously beloved rage.

Part 1. When the stop light turns green? Slam down on on your horn! That's what it there for. Make sure that all 26 cars in front of you know you're behind them. If the first car in front of you doesn't move fast enough, lay on the horn again, this time use hand gestures and scream at them. If the cars in front of them can't move fast enough because the line to the light is too long, then it certainly isn't your fault, it's clearly the fault of the person directly in front of you. It is imperative that you continue to lay on the horn all the way as you continue through the light. If you do not make it through the light, it's not required that you lay on the horn until the light turns green again but it is highly encouraged. Once you pass through the light, honk repeatedly at the person who was in front of you and call them an idiot bastard as you pass them.

Stay tuned for Part 2. How to handle the unruly and uncalled for response of the driver who was in front of you at a stop light when it turns green? What a jerk.

Taking Blood Part 2, The Night Before

Hey gang! Igot so many questions from 1/20/08 post: What to do when a nurse takes your blood? So many that I've decided to do a brief part 2. Most questions were about what to do the day or night before you have to have blood taken, so let's get down to brass tacks. If you're going to have to have blood taken tomorrow, they always ask that you fast. That's complete nonsense. In fact, studies show that eating cake, pizza and ice cream and drinking lots of soda pop after midnight enhance the results, especially if you're glucose levels are high. Fasting will only make you hungry and we can't have you die from starvation. Studies show that Americans who do not eat for more than 12 hours can starve to death. I also recommend you drink lots of cherry Kool Aid and a couple of brews as well. Studies have shown that lack of cherry Kool Aid in the system will actually discolor your blood. You want it to be red when it comes out right? If you've got a 8a appointment, why go to sleep? Just stay up partying with your friends. If you're friends aren't partying, go pick up a couple of hookers and score some coke. That will keep you sharp. You'll also be able to drink more. Nothing is more important than a night of binge drinking and illicit drug use right before you have blood tests done. Trust me, you'll thank me later. Now that you know what to do the night before, reread post from 1/20/08 and you'll be one well informed patient.

Paper or Plastic?

The smart answer is both. Always place the paper bag into the plastic bag, this ensures that your purchased items get the most protection. If you have canvas bags at home, make sure you bring them and put the plastic/paper bag combo into them. If you can, try and sneak a few extra plastic bags at checkout to leave in the parking lot for someone else to pick up. And always remember to make sure you bring all your old used bags back to the store and right before you leave, put them all in a shopping cart and set them on fire. Now that's recycling.

What to do when a nurse takes your blood?

I get asked all the time, BAG, what is the proper behavior when a nurse is taking your blood? First thing first, always bring your own needle. Who knows where that needle has been? Act like you own the place, you know, start grabbin stuff and stabbing it. Don't stab the nurse, but stab something she's holding. If she's not holding anything, then stab the air repeatedly. Always tie up your own arm at least two hours before you know you're going to have to give blood. That way your arm will get all purple and once the nurse sticks you with the needle blood will shoot out all over the place due to the pressure build up. Make sure you laugh hysterically when this happens. If you're in a situation where you have to give blood unexpectedly, make sure you pump your fist repeatedly and once the nurse sticks you with the needle, scream there she blows and grab other patients nearby blood samples, crack them open and drink them. If the nurse tries to stop you, tell her she is next. This will ensure that your sample will go to the front of the line. If you become light headed, stand up, extend both arms out and start spinning around. Do this until you fall down. Don't forget to offer up a urine sample, if they explain that one is not needed, pee your pants. Then remove your pants and throw them at the nurse screaming "see what you made me do." These simple tasks will always make giving blood a safe and happy experience.

Always Trust The Internet

The Internet is the most reliable source of information on the planet. Everything you read and see on the Internet is true, including these two sentences you just read.

Too Much Nose Hair?

Are you plagued with too much nose hair? Are you just an average Joe or Jane that strives for naked nostrils? Do nose hair clippers burn and smoke when you use them? Here are three helpful tips that will eliminate all traces of hair in your nose.
Tip #1: The Swedish KaBoom
Take one butane lighter, make sure there's a decent amount of gas in it. Hold one nostril closed while you release the butane into the other nostril filling the cavity until it begins to sting and your eyes begin to water immensely. Then ignite the lighter under the nostril that is filled with gas. But always remember to make sure the flame is on the lowest setting first. Repeat process for other nostril if you are still alive.
Tip #2: The Handyman Special
You will need at least one 18 volt cordless drill. Higher voltage is recommended, but 18 volts will do. Take a large paper clip and stretch it out until it is one long piece. Use some pliers to create a 1/4 inch 90 degree bend at one end. Insert the straight end where the drill bit goes and tighten. Push the bent end into your nostril and start drill. For better results add more than one paper clip. Repeat process for the other nostril if you still have another nostril.
Tip #3: The Poor Man's Wax
Take one long candle with a small tip and light it. Let the wax heat up and when it starts to drip, turn the candle so that the hot wax builds up around the tip without the flame going out. Once you have a decent amount of hot wax at the tip, blow the candle out and immediately shove it in your nose. Let the candle rest for about 30-55 seconds, then rip candle out of your nose as fast as you can. Repeat process for the other nostril.

***see disclaimer***

Fart On Your Co-Workers Chair?

Do you have bad gas? Use it to your advantage. When one of your co-workers leaves their office, quickly run in there and fart on their chair. It's a little secret that they'll never know about but it will always make you smile on the inside when you see them sitting at their desk. Hee hee.

It's Snowing!!!

Hurry, everyone leave work early, drive as fast as you can to the grocery and take some advice I got from Neal Boortz and fill your cart up with bread and milk. Statistically, bread and milk sales skyrocket at the drop of a snow flake and prices can double or even triple, so the faster you get to the store, the better chance you have to get your fair share. Make sure you buy at least 6 loafs of bread and 4 gallons of milk per person. It is a well known fact that 24 loaves of bread and 16 gallons of milk can sustain a family of 4 a minimum 8 hours. Once you're at the grocery, make sure you load up on lots of fresh fish, shrimp and lobster. Avoid all canned goods, with the exception of canned crab meat or salmon and whatever you do, do not buy any water. If you need water, save some money and just melt the snow. Soda, cake mix, bacon, microwave popcorn and fresh fruit like strawberries and raspberries are also important supplies as well as all the salad fixings. Nothing says warm and cozy like a big Caesar salad when you have no power or heat. Oh yea, don't forget to also pick up a whole watermelon and a couple pints of Ben & Jerry's. Half and quarter watermelons are also acceptable but whole melons are always preferred. You may also want to load up on eggs, mayonnaise and lunch meat from the deli. You could be without power for days so it's best to be prepared. One of my favorite emergency situation snacks is cottage cheese and cantaloupe with egg salad in a pita.

To avoid crazy long lines at the grocery, go to the fast lane. If the cashier says you have too many items, separate the items into different piles that match the minimum number of items allowed and put the customer divider sticks in between the piles and pay for each pile separate. Remember to pick up lots of firewood, even if you don't have a fireplace. Studies show that during a snow storm is the most important time to pick up snow shovels, generators, ice scrapers, kitty litter and rock salt. So everyone flock to your nearest supply or department store after you hit the grocery.

If you're car is low on gas, fill up. Common sense tells you that gas prices will skyrocket after a snow storm because you can't drill for oil in the snow. Speed limits are null and void when it snows and all stop lights, green, yellow and red all become automatic yields. On the highway, it is extremely important to tailgate, especially if it's snowing really hard. That way you can easily see the car in front of you. You'll thank me if you find yourself in white out conditions. Turn signals are strictly prohibited during a snow storm. It's distracting as the pretty yellow flashing lights reflect in the snow flakes. And continued from post "Freeze Warning" January 3, 2008 should you pass a snow plow on the left or right? Everyone knows you always pass a snow plow on the right. Never pass on the left. You could damage your car or worse, you could spin out, get stuck and die in a huge explosion.

Title Loans Are Smart & Effective Loans!

Are you in a pinch this month? Cable bill got you down? Did you go over you cell phone minutes again? Well, have I got the answer for you! If you own a car, or are paying a note on a car, you can use the title to get one sweet loan. You just use your title as collateral and that's it. I thought collateral was just a movie until I got my title loan. I mean, it was so easy. I know I owe a good amount of money on my used 1994 Ford Escort because I'm only a year into the 94 month loan but I really had no idea how easy it was going to be to get a $2000 loan just by handing over my title and signing some pieces of paper with a bunch of small writing on it. I wasn't about to try and read that small print. T-Bone and Mickey at Title-Tidal assured me that 38.99% was a good interest rate. They said I qualified for one of their better title loans. So now I'm $2ooo richer and I'm going on a cruise!! I had so much money leftover after I paid my late bills that I decided to take a vacation. See you in a week!

Who Stands For Keg Stands?

I stand, you stand, we all stand for keg stands!!

One of the safest ways to drink beer is by keg stand. 4 out of 5 keg standers recall the experience as euphoric, hypnotic, intellectually stimulating and socially invigorating. 1 out of 5 standers don't recall anything at all, but don't let that fool you. Standers believe that the defying acts of gravity that take place during an official keg stand actually promote the repairing of non-functioning dead brain cells into live healthy cells. Here’s how it works:

Liquid, in this case beer, always travels down when you drink. This is due to the muscle function of the esophagus assisted by the natural tendencies of gravity. During an official keg stand, what does the liquid do when it travels down your throat, when it is actually flowing up against the forces of gravity with the stander positioned vertical over the keg? And how does this affect the repairing of dead brain cells into functioning cells? We’ll use Newton’s laws of motion to prove our theory that functioning brains cells are fully repaired during an official keg stand.

I. Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

Exactly, the dead brain cells that already exist have nowhere to go and are clearly not moving, until a keg stand is performed. At which time the beer traveling the opposite direction causes a chain reaction, whereas the dead brain cells are actually set into motion by the beer traveling in the paradoxinated motion of going down and up at the same time. Once the cells are set in motion, they create friction, bouncing against live cells. The live cells release fragments of original stem cells that are then attracted to the dead cells. This leads us to Newton’s law of motion number 2.

II. The relationship between an object's mass m, its acceleration a, and the applied force F is F = ma. Acceleration and force are vectors (as indicated by their symbols being displayed in slant bold font); in this law the direction of the force vector is the same as the direction of the acceleration vector.

As the dead cells attract more stem cells they begin to accelerate. During the acceleration, the cells pass over extremely high levels of oxygenated blood that is created by the vertical position the stander achieves while performing the keg stand. As the dead cells and older healthier stem cells pass over the oxygen rich blood, the stem cells begin to repair the dead cells. The longer the stander remains vertical, the more chance the dead cells have to be repaired.

III. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Unfortunately, keg stands can’t last forever. But studies have proven that standers do maintain large quantities of repaired cells if and only if, they continue to only consume alcohol inverted. Sorry horizontal drinkers, the normal horizontal drinking position will NOT repair dead brain cells and will only reverse positive effects that occurred during your official keg standing period.

Loose Thread, Pull it.

Loose thread on a piece of clothing you are wearing, then pull it. Everyone has had a loose thread on a piece of clothing at one time or another, so do what the pros do and pull it. Don't pull it fast or cut it, make sure you pull it real slow.

Are those Hannah Montana tickets counterfeit?

Nope. They sure aren't counterfeit because I paid $1500 a pop for them. I got them from some guy named Tikutgangsta on Ebay and he said they were legit. There was a picture of the front and the back of the tickets and they sure did look like real tickets, I mean, you can't fake that. And if you can't trust a 4th or 5th party ticket broker selling on EBay, then who can you trust? Seriously, who can you? Tikutgangsta assures me that I'll receive the two tickets by the day before the concert and no sooner and no later, as long as I overnight the money order to a Motel 6 address in Knoxville, TN within 4 days of the end of sale on EBay, which I of course did.
My daughter is so excited. I bought the tickets 7 months before the concert tour was even announced, so boy did I get lucky. I was the first in line and then some, so to speak. $3000 bucks to make my daughter happy on her 5^th birthday is nothing. I sure am glad that there are ticket brokers out there like Tikutgansta servicing the public's needs. Ticketmaster is such a scam and it's next to impossible to get Hanna Montana tickets through them. And with all those Ticketmaster service charges, who can afford them when it's all said and done? My suggestion to you, when you need tickets that are in high demand, use a reputable broker like Tikutgangsta every time. You'll thank me later.

Booger in Your Co-Workers Nose?

Booger in your co-worker "so and so's" nose? The laws of the universe all say don't tell them. Let them go throughout the entire day with it all up and in there. Make it your mission, because the standard prize that goes to whoever spots the booger and keeps the booger alive for an entire work day, is one week vacation. Prizes may vary but the standardized prize was voted on in the 1984 presidential election after several years of petitioning by the one we now know as "Sir Snot A-Lot." If you recall, the election was a landslide. Statistics show that "the prize" is given on average, to only two winners per year and this has only occurred 17 times in the past 10 years and 38 in the past 20. So every time you speak to "so and so," look directly at the booger quickly, wince a little, and then look in their eyes. Repeat this process several times during the conversation, and then maintain steady eye contact without looking at the booger at all. You may even want to look behind them or at the top of their forehead. Looking at an ear is also suggested and is the preferred technique by some.

Make sure you tell everyone in the office that "so and so" has booger in their nose and make it known that if they tell "so and so," you're gonna bust a cap, there's vacation days on the line. This requires that you call an emergency silent "code green" to get all the troops engaged. Remember that all "code greens" are silent. There are no exceptions to this rule. The more people in on the caper, honoring your code green, the more freaked out "so and so" will come to feel as the day progresses. Eventually, "so and so" will become so self conscious that they'll start rubbing and scratching their nose. When you see this, immediately intervene using any means necessary. Do not forget to start a coalition so you know that your office-teers will do the same. We do not want "so and so" to dislodge the booger in any way. It could either drop down and fall out or it could be lodged up higher into the nostril where it can no longer be seen. Both results are extremely negative and could force everyone to have to go back to doing real work. So keep the booger and the fellowship of the booger alive.

It's very important that you try and keep "so and so" from drinking too many liquids. We can't have a bathroom trip because there are mirrors in there and all parties should do whatever it takes to keep "so and so" out of the bathroom. If it means drinking "so and so's" coffee, juice, soda, tea, water, then do it and keep doing it. Don't let a full glass of anything pass through their kidneys. Assign a team member to lead a special "drinkup" unit. Make sure this unit is prepared to drink up any and all backwashed liquids, knowing that when "so and so" drank from the cup, mug, bottle or can, that there was a boogie hanging closely in the wind. This unit will have to be made up of only the toughest of office-teers. This unit must know the risks and that certain viruses and diseases may be passed on to the "drink upperer." Unit members should maintain a healthy regiment of vitamin C and are required to have tetanus, rabies, flu, hepatitis A and B vaccinations at least once a year. If you're not willing to have the vaccinations, then please don't volunteer. Proof of vaccinations is required, so there's no getting around it.

Invite "so and so" to lunch early, all the while knowing that the booger may not make it to lunch but that's the chance you'll have to take. You can always expense it. Make reservations well in advance and make sure the restaurant is prepared to assist you in your booger quest. Most establishments are definitely aware of this practice and have their own form of the booger quest. Instead of vacation time, the winner is granted all tips collected during all shifts for a minimum of 3 days. The innocent act of inviting "so and so" to lunch is to keep an eye on them and manage the quest. Make sure someone of the same sex attends so they can be your eyes in the bathroom. It is highly recommended that you do not participate in bathroom intervention as it may become obvious something is up. You're paying and that alone may be strange enough to throw someone off. If you are not a regular lunch-buddy with the subject, employ someone who is to do the inviting. It is also extremely important that whoever attends the lunch with you be a licensed and certified boogerateur. Not just anyone can eat their lunch satisfyingly as a booger peers back at them and with every mouthful it could be ready to pounce and infiltrate your chicken Caeser salad, only to be lost in the dressing. Anchovy, or booger, that is the question.

You've made it through lunch, congratulations to all. But do not speak of how far you've made it and no one else should either. It's like jinxing a no-hitter in the 8th. But always think ahead. Right after you secured lunch, you were smart enough to plant a seed. Fake a birthday and have your best office-teer acquire a cake for a late afternoon celebration. This will only further provide you with the must needed supervision of "so and so." And you're lucky this time, because "so and so" loves cake. Always plan the celebration at 4:45 PM and make sure your trusty "numero uno" of an office-teer asks "so and so" to help with the set up. You are almost there. The booger is sitting slightly at the edge of the right nostril. It's nearly about to fall to it's death but cake is here and you're the smart one. Make sure "so and so" is the last person to receive a piece of cake as to not disrupt the booger. And at 5:00 PM, as you hand "so and so" their piece of cake, the quest is over. The fellowship must disband because you have won. But do not speak of this. "So and so" must never know. In fact, offer "so and so" a tissue, knowing that you've got one week of freedom to use as you wish. And since "so and so" is your recently acquired new girlfriend, see if she can take some time off and get away...just the two of you sans boogie.

The Truth About Funneling

There are several untrue myths hanging out there about funneling and here are a few helpful truths that will set you straight.

Myth: Sharing a funnel after several uses over the course of a night of hard partying can transmit diseases like mononucleosis, the common cold, the flu and other common bacterial and viral infections such as staph and rabies.

Truth: This is preposterous. Funnels are made of the finest caliber of sterilized plastic tubing and have a germ resistant rating of 93.9. The tubing is so sterile that it doesn’t even require cleaning after use. If you call a quart of beer traveling in excess of 36 miles an hour down your throat, so ice cold and luscious disease-worthy, then you my friend are an anti-funnel jerk and have no place in this world. The funnel itself is made from the same material and goes through a kilning process where it is heated to 900 degrees Celsius. It’s during the cooling process that the funnel itself begins to turn that famous red color everyone loves. The funnel is made of one of the strongest materials in the world and is the same material the space shuttle is made out of. Scientists are now using this material to repair holes in the ozone layer.

Myth: Funneling is a choking hazard.

Truth: WTF! There’s no choking in funneling. The process, if performed by a professional which it most certainly is 100% of the time, happens so fast, choking is impossible. If you choke while funneling, then you need to go to the Funnel Academy of America and graduate with honors. No honors, then stay in kindergarten where you belong and go sip your wine cooler before it gets warm, ya a$$.

Myth: Funneling gets you hammered dangerously fast.

Truth: Most college students who partake in weekend binge drinking, drink fast regardless because they’re young and young people do everything faster. They drive faster, talk faster, so why not binge in style and use a funnel and get drunk faster. There’s no danger in that! Studies show that funneling is far more satisfying than chugging, pounding or doing shots.

Myth: Funneling ice cold alcohol causes brain freezes.

Truth: It sure does and you gotta love every minute of it. To get rid of a brain freeze, take your tongue and press it firmly to the roof of your mouth and push out towards your top front teeth. Try it, you'll thank me later.

These myths and truths are only a drip in the bucket. Stay tuned for more truths about funneling, like "Funneling Brings the Family Together" and "The Funnel Whisperer."

Elevator Etiquette Part Deuce

Part Deuce, The Death Trap.

6. Ever find yourself stuck on an elevator during a power outage? Well then you’re one lucky dude. This is a great time for you to reflect on all the things you’ve never done in your life, so get deep, you’re going to be in there a while. Sit back relax and sweat off some unwanted lbs. Think about all the unpaid bills and credit card debt you have knowing that no matter how hard you try, you can never pay them all off. Think about what your family will do if you die suddenly unexpected. Will they be sad, will they even care? Will your wife remarry your best friend? This is a great time to think about all the feelings and emotions you keep deep down inside and never allow to be released. Think about how hard it is getting to breathe as you sit in the dark, alone. Now that’s some therapy that you could never imagine paying for. Now go, go beat up your best friend for trying to marry your wife.

7. Are you trapped in between the 20^th and 21^st floor on an elevator full of passenger? If so, start screaming. Scream these exact words: “We’re going to die, we’re going to die, we’re going to die!” After a few refreshing minutes of that, ask if everyone is okay and before they say anything, start crying and make them promise to tell your family and friends how much you really love them. Carve your "will" into one of the walls with a pen, reading aloud each painstaking word as you go and sign it in your own blood. Then give one lucky passenger the keys to your 1995 white Acura Integra with the sweet rims and muffler. Assure the winner that there’s no way you are getting out of this alive and that you’re so taking them down with you. If you haven’t already, start praying to Allah, your elevator-mates will quickly join in. Once everyone has settled down and you’ve shown that you’re the responsible one, take control of the situation. Get everyone to start doing jumping jacks. Statistics show that exercise perfromed in confined spaces is far more beneficial to the heart than when done in wide open well ventilated areas. This will also help build morale with your comrades. Are you starting to Jones for a smoke? Light up, but ask if anyone else wants one first, don’t Bogart the smokes, don’t be stingy. Have some spray paint cans on you? Well ,paint that graffiti mural that you’ve been meaning to paint. Once you’ve been in there a while and you’ve made some friends, ask how much everyone weighs. Most elevators have a weight limit of about 1500-2500 lbs. Set up an imaginary scale in one of the corners and force each passenger to say their weight. If they lie, take away their smoking privileges. After everyone has told you their weight, suggest that you start eating the weakest passengers first. Whoever disagrees is the first to get eaten. We can’t have any fatties holding us back and weighing us down, this is survival of the fittest time. Start a fire in a corner and start gnawing on your left wrist, all the while letting the others know you are a right-handed. It is extremely important that each passenger choose a mate. You could be the last people on earth and someone has to reproduce. And lastly, if you’re getting too hot and sweaty, take off all your clothes. Insist that everyone else do the same. If they resist, wipe your butt on all the buttons, specifically the emergency call button.

Stay tuned for Elevator Etiquette Part Deuce, The Death Trap part 2, The Escape part A.

Elevator Etiquette

You ever find yourself on an elevator and you're just not sure what to do as you travel up or down to your floor? Is there an uncomfortable silence that seems deafening as the other passengers look up, down, at their watches, doing everything in their power to avoid any eye contact? Well here's part 1 of 3 to a quick and handy guide to elevator etiquette.

1. When you get on the elevator and there's only one person inside, there are a couple key maneuvers you can pull to make the ride a calm and soothing experience. First, when entering the elevator, don't look at the person, quickly look to the left, then look to the right, turn around and stand right in front of them as close as you can facing the door. If they move, then you've established dominance. Great work! The most important rule of riding the elevator is that someone must establish dominance. If there is more than one passenger on board then always pick the biggest one to challenge. Chances are they've already established dominance and you've got to take them out. Be the alpha dog you beeyatch.

2. Always fart once you get on the elevator. Don't do it in your car before you enter the building, that's just a waste of gas. Go green, fart in the elevator. If you're alone in the elevator, then this is your chance to let it rip and save the planet. The release of human gases makes the elevator lighter, thus saving electricity. If you exit an elevator and there are people waiting to get on and you just bunted, quickly press all the buttons before they notice and let them get on as you get off. Who cares what they think once they've entered the chamber of death you've provided. And it's such a great story to tell all your friends. Accidentally fart, silent but deadly? Always blame the fat guy. The rest of the passengers will already assume this and your innocence will be unanimously granted. No fat guy to blame, shove the person closest to you really hard and force blame on them. They will be so stunned that they'll just accept the blame in order to move on and escape the wrath of your gas. They just want to safely get to their floor.

3. Sing, and sing loudly. This is a great opportunity to test your outside voice. If you are fortunate enough to have "elevator music," then there are two schools of thought on how to proceed. The old school theory suggests you sing along with music. Get into the groove and even dance a little. If you're co-passengers don't join in, then get in their face and curse them out and curse them out loudly. Don't hold back. Next time they'll know what to do. Humming is strictly prohibited unless you have a partner. The more modern theory suggest that you sing anything but the song already provided. This must also be sung loudly, but dance is not required. Actually dancing is considered taboo. It's highly recommended that you get right into the face of the passenger of your choice and sing away. If you feel privy, get in the face of all the passengers if you have time before you reach your floor. No passenger, press the emergency call button and when someone answers, sing to them.

4. Never hold the door for people trying to get on. This means the people right behind you and the people just in reach of making it on. If they can't make it then screw 'em. They weren't quick enough and are clearly not a strong member of the pack and need to be left behind. If someone requests that you hold the door, then they've already made the decision an easy one for you, hence the smile on your face when the doors closes as you leave them behind. Statistics show, that people who press the door open button are far more apt to die in their sleep than people who refrain. I suggest you avoid this button at all costs.

5. If there's someone behind you and they're trying to get out, then don't move. If they can't get around you then they can't get out. It goes back to the pack dominance we talked about earlier and you've just demonstrated your role as a leader in the pack. Good job Scooby. If they ask you politely to let them by, ignore them even more. If the door doesn't close fast enough and they try to make a break for it, press the close door button and use your elbows like Shaq would. Studies have also shown that people who press the close door button frequently have longer and healthier lives.

Stay tuned for more elevator etiquette, this elevator door has only just opened.

Think you need glasses? You probably don't.

Think you need glasses? You probably don't. Having trouble seeing things far away? Is the watch on your wrist blurry? Do red stop lights look like green lights and yellow lights look blue? Then you don't need glasses. Glasses are for drinking out of, not for seeing. Eye doctors, they aren't even real doctors. Look at the picture off to the right here. I don't think anyone could read that poster on the wall, not even Superman and it's behind them. The so called eye doctor, he's even wearing glasses. That guy has got some nerve, living his own lie. What a joke.
Well you're in luck because I've provided a sure fire test that will determine if you are having trouble seeing. If you say yes to all these, then you've got perfect vision.
1. Can you stare into the sun with both eyes open for long periods of time? You can? Great, that's totally normal. In fact, recent studies show that UV rays are actually good for maintaining healthy happy vision.
2. Do you squint when you drive? Perfect, it's great exercise and builds useful muscle mass in your cheeks and forehead. "Squinters" are far more likely to get to their destination faster than people who don't squint at all while driving.
3. Do you constantly overshoot parking spaces? That's smart thinking, especially when you have an empty space in front of you. It makes things easier when you leave.
4. Is your TV blurry? Sit closer. TV's are specially designed so the closer you sit, the better the picture. This is especially true for Plasma and LCD televisions.
5. Do you confuse your children with other children on the playground? Super! All little kids look alike anyway and this will teach the children a valuable lesson when it comes to strangers.
6. Does it hurt when you read? That's totally normal. Reading sucks and should be avoided at all costs. In fact, this test has an audio version available read by Ricardo Montalban.
7. Do you constantly misread prescription bottles or bottles of medicine. That's totally fine, medicine is medicine, it's all good for you anyway.
8. Do you read the fine print? Well stop if you do. It's just littered with useless information.
9. Do your eyes ache and become sore and dry after staring at a computer screen all day while at work? Well they shouldn't. Computer screens are designed like television screens, the closer you sit the better the resolution.
10. Do you have 20/20 vision? If you answered yes, then that's impossible and you're a liar. Everyone knows 20/20 is a TV show on ABC and has nothing to do with vision whatsoever.

I hope this test gas helped you determine whether you have perfect vision or not...and remember, glasses are for drinking, not seeing.

Never Ask For Directions...

Please be smart and never ask for directions. If you're driving and find yourself lost, first rule, don't ask for directions. Statistics have shown, that 97.2% of the time, the person giving you directions is lying to you. That means only 2.8% of the people asked are actually giving you legitimate directions. Are you willing to chance those odds? I'm not, so keep driving until you get there. Don't worry, eventually you will. If you are in a situation where a passenger or passengers constantly insist you stop and ask for directions, just ignore them. You're driving and you're in control. And by ignoring, I mean do not acknowledge them it all, it will only make you stronger. If you have to stop for gas or a potty break and the passenger(s) have really made it known that they are "directioniters," then ditch them. First chance you get, ditch them big time. They'll appreciate you later when it's their turn in the drivers seat and they're lost.
Before you go out the door, don't get on Map Quest or Google Maps, they'll only confuse you. Those sites are littered with pop up ads and spyware. You're far safer if you leave the expert navigation to yourself. I also highly recommend that you steer clear of GPS devices and navigation systems for your car. The "voice" that is supposedly giving you directions, well that's not a computerized voice, that's a real person giving you bad advice from central command in Lincoln Nebraska. This goes back to the fact that 97.2% of people are lying to you. What makes the GPS Nav systems so corrupt? It's that you paid for your wrong directions you dumb dumb. And Onstar, don't even get me started, who do you think locks the car door with your keys in the car, certainly not you. If they can unlock them, then they can lock them.
I hope these tips will help you when you find yourself in the uncanny situation of being lost. But before I go, remember what do you do when someone asks you for directions? That's right, you lie to them. Keep the 97.2% alive, it's tough love but it will only make us stronger.

Traveling Abroad?

Are you an American traveling abroad? Well you're in luck. Here are five helpful hints when traveling out of the country.

1. Carry lots of cash, and flaunt it. Cash is the universal sign for wealthy. You carry a lot of cash and you'll be loved and adored in a foreign land. Make sure people know it too by paying for everybody's drinks for example. Never use a money belt. Who needs a money belt when you've got a fist full of cash? Leaving your credit cards at home is the best advice I can give for a traveler abroad.
2. Show people who you are. Always make sure everyone knows you're American. Americans are the most likable people in the world and are welcomed in every country. So wear USA somewhere on your person at all times. If you're standing in line, make sure the people in front of you of you know there's an American behind them and they'll gladly show you to the front. 20 minute wait to be seated, not if you're an American. Always keep cash in one hand and your passport in the other. Breathe, sweat and scream you are an American.
3. Speak the language. Don't know the language, well use your inner human spirit, it will come to you. Add ios, ous, olious, etc etc to the end of your words and you'll be speaking their language nearly perfect in no time. Also use hand gestures while doing so. The locals will appreciate your skills immensely. Once they see your an American, the language barrier is broken.
4. Never eat the local cuisine. Always try and find a McDonald's first.
5. And the most important tip of all, if a stranger asks you to carry a package for them, then do it. It's a great way to show you support the local culture. This applies to air travel, train and especially any border crossing. But remember, don't look in the package, you want to maintain that trust you're honoring.
These 5 tips are just a few of many, but they will get you started on your safe and happy days of traveling abroad.

Cleaning Your Gutters

Thinking about cleaning your gutters this spring? Don't hire a professional when you can do it yourself. First thing first, when cleaning your gutters, it is highly recommended that this task be done by the homeowner, without the help of a professional gutter cleaning service. Gutter cleaning services just use the same tools and materials that you, the homeowner would have on hand, to get the same job done. Ladders, ropes, brooms, picnic table(s), wheelbarrow, and cinder blocks are all helpful and widely used tools for this task.

Most accidents occur when the home owner only uses one ladder. If you can't reach the roof, and you have just one ladder, borrow a neighbor's and balance it on the other one. Use rope to tie the two together and head on up to the roof. If a third ladder is needed repeat the process. Sometimes an additional ladder isn't needed and a picnic table or wheelbarrow can be used instead. Use cinder blocks as well by stacking them on top of each other small side down to get the most height and place ladder on top. Cinder blocks are an affordable way to turn a short ladder into a tall one without having to buy an additional ladder or even a taller ladder.
Save time by keeping the ladder in one place as long as possible. Use your arms and really stretch, that's what they are there for. Grab hold of the closest window frame, shudder or the gutter itself with one hand, keep one foot on the ladder using the other as balance and clean away with a push broom. You may have a neighbor or two come by to watch you attack this simple task. They're probably taking notes for when they have to tackle this no brainer of a job and remember to offer your ladder up if needed. Statistics show, that homeowners who perform gutter cleaning on their own, without professional help, tend to have excellent health and life insurance. So do it yourself and keep those gutters clean.

Freeze Warning!!!!

Cold? Freeze warning in the area? Well here are some helpful hints to avoid some common occurrences that plague us when there's a freeze warning.

Step 1. Is it cold enough to freeze? Look outside, you may even want to go outside to determine if it's cold. If it's cold, then you're going to have a freeze warning.

Step 2. Faucets. Freezing pipes are very common during a cold freezing night. Make sure you turn all your faucets on full blast, both cold and hot. If you have an outdoor faucet, make sure you turn that on as well. If you have an outdoor sprinkler system, make sure it runs all night. Your neighbors will thank you later, especially if they lack a sprinkler system. If you do not have a sprinkler system, then it is recommended that your hook up a hose to the outdoor faucet, attach a sprinkler and put it next to the road, sidewalk and your neighbors driveway if the hose will reach. All three are highly recommended if possible. You can also purchase a splitter at your local hardware store that will allow you to run more than one hose from one faucet.

Step 3. Starting your car in the morning. Please remember to disconnect your car battery before you enter the house for the last time of the night. This is the most overlooked step when it comes to freeze proofing yourself. If you are unsure how to disconnect the battery, leave the interior light on instead. Studies have shown that similar results will occur.

Step 4. Once you get your car started and you've got ice all over your windshield, especially if you're in a rush, boil up a big pot of water and dump it on it your windshield. It is extremely important that the water be as hot as possible. Luke warm water or room temperature water will only slow you down.

Step 5. Make sure you crack all the windows in your house or apartment about 6-10 inches. This is especially important in a small child or elderly person's bedroom.

These helpful hints should keep you warm, cozy and safe during the unexpected freeze warning. Stay tuned for helpful hints on driving in the snow and freezing rain. Black ice, friend or foe and should you pass a plow on the left or the right?

"PIN Numbers"

Always keep your "PIN Number" (Personal Identification Number) easily accessible. Write it on the back of your debit and/or credit card(s). Mine is 1234. You may also want to put a piece of paper or laminated index card with all your accounts, account numbers with passwords, PINs, social security number, address and mother's maiden name in your wallet just in case you lose it. While you're at it, tape another one to your dashboard by the "VIN Number" (Vehicle Identification Number) and one on the outside of your mailbox. When creating a password for an account, get creative. I use PASSWORD in all caps. And if it asks for more characters, I use PASSWORD123. In this age of identity theft, I hope these little tips will help you immensely.

Jalapeno Eyes

If you want to achieve perfection and excellence, I find it very useful to chop up a jalapeno pepper right before you put your contact lenses on.