Road Rage Part 9: I got there first!!!!

Yea, you got there first! And they saw you too but they still pulled right into your parking space. WTF! I mean you had your signal on and everything and the bastard flew in there right in front of you with that dopey look on their face like you snooze you lose. BAG don't lose I can assure you that. I can refer you to Road Rage Part 3: Keying Cars now, or you can do what BAG would do. Since the jerko has pulled into your parking space, it is extremely important that you find a space and fast. Statistics show that the longer it takes to re-find a spot, the less effective your rage will be. You cannot lose the heat of the moment. So hurry up, you want to be able to follow this person closely into the store. If it's not the store you intended to go in, then proceed anyway. Mission parking spot vendetta is in effect. Walk about 10-15 feet behind the person. Talk loudly about what just happened, but don't yell. Save the yelling for inside the store. The person will clearly know you're behind them and they'll begin to sweat and walk a little faster. They're starting to realize that the dick move they just pulled may be backfiring. At this point I'm sure you have onlookers, onlookers who understand and feel your pain. Walk faster as if you are going to pass them and as they go for a cart, swoop in like a hawk and grab the cart they were going to use. Proceed slowly into the store without saying a word. 70% of the people will continue into the store assuming that your wrath is over with some silly shopping cart maneuver. That wasn't silly, what a dope? You are by no means done with them. This is clear and present road rage we're dealing with. Nothing can stop you.
Keep an eye on them and follow from a distance. While you're following, put some items in your cart so it looks like you're shopping. If you're in the health & beauty section grab a bunch of condoms and Preparation H and other embarrassing purchases but keep them relatively small. You're going to need them later. Every so often pass by the person on the same isle but ignore them. Don't even make eye contact. This will make them feel like you're over it and somewhat embarrassed by your behavior. Rule #1 to BAG, you never get embarrassed by your behavior. Once you've got some real good items lay low and keep and eye on the check lanes. Read a Cosmo or something. Make sure you've instructed each cashier to ask this person if they want to save 10% on their purchase by filling out a credit app. And make sure you slip them a couple a bucks to make sure they're persistent in getting them to agree to take the extra time at check out. You're banking on this. Okay, now once you see them head towards check out, make haste and get in line right behind. Push them forward into the lane so they are in front of their own cart. Hint to the cashier that now is the time to get the credit application rolling. Make sure they call the cashier supervisor over as well. This is your distraction. Once they're all tied up with the credit application, slowly put the condoms, Herpecin, Depends, Trojans and g-string undies etc etc into their cart. Once they're done with the credit application, and they start to put all the items on the belt, starting laughing and pointing at the items. When they say the items aren't theirs, laugh even louder and point even more. At this point they'll just want to get out of the store as fast as they can. As they proceed to leave the check out lane without purchasing anything run up behind them and pants them! Then push them over and spank their a$$. This gives you time to run out into the parking lot and perform one or all of the tasks from Road Rage Part3 : Keying Cars. Who cares who sees you key that car and who cares that you've noticed that the parking spot you were waiting for is a handicapped space. I guess that's what that old lady was so easy to push over after you pantsed her.

PS. Don'y forget to go see the new Miley Cyrus concert movie! I can't wait!