Elevator Etiquette

You ever find yourself on an elevator and you're just not sure what to do as you travel up or down to your floor? Is there an uncomfortable silence that seems deafening as the other passengers look up, down, at their watches, doing everything in their power to avoid any eye contact? Well here's part 1 of 3 to a quick and handy guide to elevator etiquette.

1. When you get on the elevator and there's only one person inside, there are a couple key maneuvers you can pull to make the ride a calm and soothing experience. First, when entering the elevator, don't look at the person, quickly look to the left, then look to the right, turn around and stand right in front of them as close as you can facing the door. If they move, then you've established dominance. Great work! The most important rule of riding the elevator is that someone must establish dominance. If there is more than one passenger on board then always pick the biggest one to challenge. Chances are they've already established dominance and you've got to take them out. Be the alpha dog you beeyatch.

2. Always fart once you get on the elevator. Don't do it in your car before you enter the building, that's just a waste of gas. Go green, fart in the elevator. If you're alone in the elevator, then this is your chance to let it rip and save the planet. The release of human gases makes the elevator lighter, thus saving electricity. If you exit an elevator and there are people waiting to get on and you just bunted, quickly press all the buttons before they notice and let them get on as you get off. Who cares what they think once they've entered the chamber of death you've provided. And it's such a great story to tell all your friends. Accidentally fart, silent but deadly? Always blame the fat guy. The rest of the passengers will already assume this and your innocence will be unanimously granted. No fat guy to blame, shove the person closest to you really hard and force blame on them. They will be so stunned that they'll just accept the blame in order to move on and escape the wrath of your gas. They just want to safely get to their floor.

3. Sing, and sing loudly. This is a great opportunity to test your outside voice. If you are fortunate enough to have "elevator music," then there are two schools of thought on how to proceed. The old school theory suggests you sing along with music. Get into the groove and even dance a little. If you're co-passengers don't join in, then get in their face and curse them out and curse them out loudly. Don't hold back. Next time they'll know what to do. Humming is strictly prohibited unless you have a partner. The more modern theory suggest that you sing anything but the song already provided. This must also be sung loudly, but dance is not required. Actually dancing is considered taboo. It's highly recommended that you get right into the face of the passenger of your choice and sing away. If you feel privy, get in the face of all the passengers if you have time before you reach your floor. No passenger, press the emergency call button and when someone answers, sing to them.

4. Never hold the door for people trying to get on. This means the people right behind you and the people just in reach of making it on. If they can't make it then screw 'em. They weren't quick enough and are clearly not a strong member of the pack and need to be left behind. If someone requests that you hold the door, then they've already made the decision an easy one for you, hence the smile on your face when the doors closes as you leave them behind. Statistics show, that people who press the door open button are far more apt to die in their sleep than people who refrain. I suggest you avoid this button at all costs.

5. If there's someone behind you and they're trying to get out, then don't move. If they can't get around you then they can't get out. It goes back to the pack dominance we talked about earlier and you've just demonstrated your role as a leader in the pack. Good job Scooby. If they ask you politely to let them by, ignore them even more. If the door doesn't close fast enough and they try to make a break for it, press the close door button and use your elbows like Shaq would. Studies have also shown that people who press the close door button frequently have longer and healthier lives.

Stay tuned for more elevator etiquette, this elevator door has only just opened.