Part Deuce, The Death Trap. 6. Ever find yourself stuck on an elevator during a power outage? Well then you’re one lucky dude. This is a great time for you to reflect on all the things you’ve never done in your life, so get deep, you’re going to be in there a while. Sit back relax and sweat off some unwanted lbs. Think about all the unpaid bills and credit card debt you have knowing that no matter how hard you try, you can never pay them all off. Think about what your family will do if you die suddenly unexpected. Will they be sad, will they even care? Will your wife remarry your best friend? This is a great time to think about all the feelings and emotions you keep deep down inside and never allow to be released. Think about how hard it is getting to breathe as you sit in the dark, alone. Now that’s some therapy that you could never imagine paying for. Now go, go beat up your best friend for trying to marry your wife.
7. Are you trapped in between the 20th and 21st floor on an elevator full of passenger? If so, start screaming. Scream these exact words: “We’re going to die, we’re going to die, we’re going to die!” After a few refreshing minutes of that, ask if everyone is okay and before they say anything, start crying and make them promise to tell your family and friends how much you really love them. Carve your "will" into one of the walls with a pen, reading aloud each painstaking word as you go and sign it in your own blood. Then give one lucky passenger the keys to your 1995 white Acura Integra with the sweet rims and muffler. Assure the winner that there’s no way you are getting out of this alive and that you’re so taking them down with you. If you haven’t already, start praying to Allah, your elevator-mates will quickly join in. Once everyone has settled down and you’ve shown that you’re the responsible one, take control of the situation. Get everyone to start doing jumping jacks. Statistics show that exercise perfromed in confined spaces is far more beneficial to the heart than when done in wide open well ventilated areas. This will also help build morale with your comrades. Are you starting to Jones for a smoke? Light up, but ask if anyone else wants one first, don’t Bogart the smokes, don’t be stingy. Have some spray paint cans on you? Well ,paint that graffiti mural that you’ve been meaning to paint. Once you’ve been in there a while and you’ve made some friends, ask how much everyone weighs. Most elevators have a weight limit of about 1500-2500 lbs. Set up an imaginary scale in one of the corners and force each passenger to say their weight. If they lie, take away their smoking privileges. After everyone has told you their weight, suggest that you start eating the weakest passengers first. Whoever disagrees is the first to get eaten. We can’t have any fatties holding us back and weighing us down, this is survival of the fittest time. Start a fire in a corner and start gnawing on your left wrist, all the while letting the others know you are a right-handed. It is extremely important that each passenger choose a mate. You could be the last people on earth and someone has to reproduce. And lastly, if you’re getting too hot and sweaty, take off all your clothes. Insist that everyone else do the same. If they resist, wipe your butt on all the buttons, specifically the emergency call button.
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