Booger in Your Co-Workers Nose?

Booger in your co-worker "so and so's" nose? The laws of the universe all say don't tell them. Let them go throughout the entire day with it all up and in there. Make it your mission, because the standard prize that goes to whoever spots the booger and keeps the booger alive for an entire work day, is one week vacation. Prizes may vary but the standardized prize was voted on in the 1984 presidential election after several years of petitioning by the one we now know as "Sir Snot A-Lot." If you recall, the election was a landslide. Statistics show that "the prize" is given on average, to only two winners per year and this has only occurred 17 times in the past 10 years and 38 in the past 20. So every time you speak to "so and so," look directly at the booger quickly, wince a little, and then look in their eyes. Repeat this process several times during the conversation, and then maintain steady eye contact without looking at the booger at all. You may even want to look behind them or at the top of their forehead. Looking at an ear is also suggested and is the preferred technique by some.

Make sure you tell everyone in the office that "so and so" has booger in their nose and make it known that if they tell "so and so," you're gonna bust a cap, there's vacation days on the line. This requires that you call an emergency silent "code green" to get all the troops engaged. Remember that all "code greens" are silent. There are no exceptions to this rule. The more people in on the caper, honoring your code green, the more freaked out "so and so" will come to feel as the day progresses. Eventually, "so and so" will become so self conscious that they'll start rubbing and scratching their nose. When you see this, immediately intervene using any means necessary. Do not forget to start a coalition so you know that your office-teers will do the same. We do not want "so and so" to dislodge the booger in any way. It could either drop down and fall out or it could be lodged up higher into the nostril where it can no longer be seen. Both results are extremely negative and could force everyone to have to go back to doing real work. So keep the booger and the fellowship of the booger alive.

It's very important that you try and keep "so and so" from drinking too many liquids. We can't have a bathroom trip because there are mirrors in there and all parties should do whatever it takes to keep "so and so" out of the bathroom. If it means drinking "so and so's" coffee, juice, soda, tea, water, then do it and keep doing it. Don't let a full glass of anything pass through their kidneys. Assign a team member to lead a special "drinkup" unit. Make sure this unit is prepared to drink up any and all backwashed liquids, knowing that when "so and so" drank from the cup, mug, bottle or can, that there was a boogie hanging closely in the wind. This unit will have to be made up of only the toughest of office-teers. This unit must know the risks and that certain viruses and diseases may be passed on to the "drink upperer." Unit members should maintain a healthy regiment of vitamin C and are required to have tetanus, rabies, flu, hepatitis A and B vaccinations at least once a year. If you're not willing to have the vaccinations, then please don't volunteer. Proof of vaccinations is required, so there's no getting around it.

Invite "so and so" to lunch early, all the while knowing that the booger may not make it to lunch but that's the chance you'll have to take. You can always expense it. Make reservations well in advance and make sure the restaurant is prepared to assist you in your booger quest. Most establishments are definitely aware of this practice and have their own form of the booger quest. Instead of vacation time, the winner is granted all tips collected during all shifts for a minimum of 3 days. The innocent act of inviting "so and so" to lunch is to keep an eye on them and manage the quest. Make sure someone of the same sex attends so they can be your eyes in the bathroom. It is highly recommended that you do not participate in bathroom intervention as it may become obvious something is up. You're paying and that alone may be strange enough to throw someone off. If you are not a regular lunch-buddy with the subject, employ someone who is to do the inviting. It is also extremely important that whoever attends the lunch with you be a licensed and certified boogerateur. Not just anyone can eat their lunch satisfyingly as a booger peers back at them and with every mouthful it could be ready to pounce and infiltrate your chicken Caeser salad, only to be lost in the dressing. Anchovy, or booger, that is the question.

You've made it through lunch, congratulations to all. But do not speak of how far you've made it and no one else should either. It's like jinxing a no-hitter in the 8th. But always think ahead. Right after you secured lunch, you were smart enough to plant a seed. Fake a birthday and have your best office-teer acquire a cake for a late afternoon celebration. This will only further provide you with the must needed supervision of "so and so." And you're lucky this time, because "so and so" loves cake. Always plan the celebration at 4:45 PM and make sure your trusty "numero uno" of an office-teer asks "so and so" to help with the set up. You are almost there. The booger is sitting slightly at the edge of the right nostril. It's nearly about to fall to it's death but cake is here and you're the smart one. Make sure "so and so" is the last person to receive a piece of cake as to not disrupt the booger. And at 5:00 PM, as you hand "so and so" their piece of cake, the quest is over. The fellowship must disband because you have won. But do not speak of this. "So and so" must never know. In fact, offer "so and so" a tissue, knowing that you've got one week of freedom to use as you wish. And since "so and so" is your recently acquired new girlfriend, see if she can take some time off and get away...just the two of you sans boogie.