Who Stands For Keg Stands?

I stand, you stand, we all stand for keg stands!!

One of the safest ways to drink beer is by keg stand. 4 out of 5 keg standers recall the experience as euphoric, hypnotic, intellectually stimulating and socially invigorating. 1 out of 5 standers don't recall anything at all, but don't let that fool you. Standers believe that the defying acts of gravity that take place during an official keg stand actually promote the repairing of non-functioning dead brain cells into live healthy cells. Here’s how it works:

Liquid, in this case beer, always travels down when you drink. This is due to the muscle function of the esophagus assisted by the natural tendencies of gravity. During an official keg stand, what does the liquid do when it travels down your throat, when it is actually flowing up against the forces of gravity with the stander positioned vertical over the keg? And how does this affect the repairing of dead brain cells into functioning cells? We’ll use Newton’s laws of motion to prove our theory that functioning brains cells are fully repaired during an official keg stand.

I. Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

Exactly, the dead brain cells that already exist have nowhere to go and are clearly not moving, until a keg stand is performed. At which time the beer traveling the opposite direction causes a chain reaction, whereas the dead brain cells are actually set into motion by the beer traveling in the paradoxinated motion of going down and up at the same time. Once the cells are set in motion, they create friction, bouncing against live cells. The live cells release fragments of original stem cells that are then attracted to the dead cells. This leads us to Newton’s law of motion number 2.

II. The relationship between an object's mass m, its acceleration a, and the applied force F is F = ma. Acceleration and force are vectors (as indicated by their symbols being displayed in slant bold font); in this law the direction of the force vector is the same as the direction of the acceleration vector.

As the dead cells attract more stem cells they begin to accelerate. During the acceleration, the cells pass over extremely high levels of oxygenated blood that is created by the vertical position the stander achieves while performing the keg stand. As the dead cells and older healthier stem cells pass over the oxygen rich blood, the stem cells begin to repair the dead cells. The longer the stander remains vertical, the more chance the dead cells have to be repaired.

III. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Unfortunately, keg stands can’t last forever. But studies have proven that standers do maintain large quantities of repaired cells if and only if, they continue to only consume alcohol inverted. Sorry horizontal drinkers, the normal horizontal drinking position will NOT repair dead brain cells and will only reverse positive effects that occurred during your official keg standing period.