The Truth About Funneling

There are several untrue myths hanging out there about funneling and here are a few helpful truths that will set you straight.

Myth: Sharing a funnel after several uses over the course of a night of hard partying can transmit diseases like mononucleosis, the common cold, the flu and other common bacterial and viral infections such as staph and rabies.

Truth: This is preposterous. Funnels are made of the finest caliber of sterilized plastic tubing and have a germ resistant rating of 93.9. The tubing is so sterile that it doesn’t even require cleaning after use. If you call a quart of beer traveling in excess of 36 miles an hour down your throat, so ice cold and luscious disease-worthy, then you my friend are an anti-funnel jerk and have no place in this world. The funnel itself is made from the same material and goes through a kilning process where it is heated to 900 degrees Celsius. It’s during the cooling process that the funnel itself begins to turn that famous red color everyone loves. The funnel is made of one of the strongest materials in the world and is the same material the space shuttle is made out of. Scientists are now using this material to repair holes in the ozone layer.

Myth: Funneling is a choking hazard.

Truth: WTF! There’s no choking in funneling. The process, if performed by a professional which it most certainly is 100% of the time, happens so fast, choking is impossible. If you choke while funneling, then you need to go to the Funnel Academy of America and graduate with honors. No honors, then stay in kindergarten where you belong and go sip your wine cooler before it gets warm, ya a$$.

Myth: Funneling gets you hammered dangerously fast.

Truth: Most college students who partake in weekend binge drinking, drink fast regardless because they’re young and young people do everything faster. They drive faster, talk faster, so why not binge in style and use a funnel and get drunk faster. There’s no danger in that! Studies show that funneling is far more satisfying than chugging, pounding or doing shots.

Myth: Funneling ice cold alcohol causes brain freezes.

Truth: It sure does and you gotta love every minute of it. To get rid of a brain freeze, take your tongue and press it firmly to the roof of your mouth and push out towards your top front teeth. Try it, you'll thank me later.

These myths and truths are only a drip in the bucket. Stay tuned for more truths about funneling, like "Funneling Brings the Family Together" and "The Funnel Whisperer."